Far from the MCC

~ Est. in 1998 ~

 

0 - 9  |  A - I  |  J - Q  |  R - Z 

 

 

 

 

MAD Glossary “J – Q”

 

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Comic book? Graphic novel? Back of a graffiti daubed toilet door? The Glossary is an idea dating back to 2006 which was sewn by Mike Reeves, who having recently joined the club from a shit pub team worse than our own, declared he hadn’t got a clue what everyone else was on about. His reasoning was that since the club was established some eight years previous, many of the terms, references and lingo were alien to the unacquainted.

 

Fast forward to the dawn of 2018 and after an annually exhaustive MOT, the Far from the MCC’s allegedly most popular web page comes back online. A huge amount of thanks to all contributors, however small, for the gems and inspiration which have gone into creating this encyclopaedic breakdown of MAD folklore.

 

 

 

 

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James Cordon

 

An amusing reference to finding James Hoskins and James Pearson forming a cordon in the Gully area of the field one day. It is a very near pronunciation of TV writer and producer extraordinaire, James Corden.

 

 

http://i.telegraph.co.uk/multimedia/archive/01652/james-corden_1652965c.jpg

 

 

 

James Pearson (Pads)

 

Endlessly smug, Mr Pearson likes to blame his pads every time he his caught.

 

 

 

 

 

James Pearson (Bat)

 

Of course, it hasn’t always been the fault of his pads, a few years ago his ineptitude was fault of his bat.

 

 

 

( Link to Match Report )

 

 

 

Jericho (Tavern)

 

Residing near the Oxford Canal, Jericho has proven a regular haunt for many a MAD player past and present. It boasts an excellent selection of pubs (including the Jude the Obscure) and of course one entitled the Jericho Tavern.

 

 

The Venue

 

 

 

Jordan Hill

 

Home cricket ground to the Oxford University Press, The Mad have been playing there since the halcyon days of yore.

 

 

 

 

 

Jude the Obscure

 

Original home to the Far from the MCC in Jericho (then playing under the name of the pub). The landlord Noel P. Reilly was instrumental in financing and forming the cricket team back in 1998.

 

The MAD stayed under his sponsorship until 2002, whereby they upped sticks and followed him to his next public house venture – the “Far from the Madding Crowd” in central Oxford (now sadly closed).

 

 

 

 

 

Jude the Obscure 2

 

It transpires that Headington Quarry CC have more in common with The MAD’s old stomping ground. Their opening batsman (Tim Bailey) is the current landlord and their fixture secretary drinks there most weeks.

 

 

Related image

 

 

 

Juke Box (Tour)

 

The Tour juke box from the 2003 / 2004 MAD cricket Tours to Minehead. It was an investment aimed squarely at bringing to fruition, Nick Hebbes’ wonderful idea of serenading players going out to bat to their own theme tune. An excellent idea in theory, but nobody seems to remember any of these theme tunes ever being played – if indeed these they were even burnt on CD. It did find a use however, enabling Tour members to listen to proper cricket matches on 5 Live whilst on the piss.

 

 

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Katy (Cider)

 

A Somerset cider brewed by Thatchers, which became notorious after sparking a club brawl in the Far from the Madding Crowd pub in the fall of 2003. The shameful occurrence also ruined a book launch by team novelist, Antony G. Mann. The culprits will remain anonymous, however, Steve Dobner, Ian Howarth and Thornton Smith were all involved.

 

 

http://www.by-invitation.com/wp-content/uploads/2012/12/Thatchers-Katy-Single-Variety-Cider.jpg

 

 

 

Kettle

 

Quips are often made at cricket teas regarding avoiding scolding oneself when near a kettle. This joke refers back to the Tour of 2004 (Minehead), when Jake Hotson ended up in casualty after badly scolding himself. In his infinite wisdom, he figured on making a cuppa whilst totally inebriated at silly o’clock in the morning.

 

 

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Kev

 

No, not the type of individual who goes around and the town centre in a souped up car pumping trashy techno beats out his windows (whilst perving at any girl over the age of 12). Instead, the name refers to the formative Groundsman at Pembroke College Sports Ground – who lovingly [sic] prepared teas and pitches for The MAD.

 

 

 

 

 

Kidlington CC (Stratfield Brake)

 

When the bursar of Pembroke College decreed the Far from the MCC could no longer make use of their ground in 2008, Kidlington CC were generous enough to allow The MAD to make use of one of their pitches at Stratfield Brake.

 

Soulless and out of the city centre, The MAD only played there for the one season (thank god).

 

 

 

 

 

Kit Bag (Team)

 

For years club members have argued about the team kit bag. Who should look after it? What contents should be in it? Do we even fucking need one? In fact, at one stage, the team kit was split between two bags… and then, inexplicably, a third….

 

Thankfully, rationality returned in 2011 and the majority of the contents were sold off to individual members of the team. Now there is just one kit bag again.

 

 

 

 

 

King of Pie

 

Pie. An amusing reference to an inferior bowler who bowls like a clown throwing a pie. But DO NOT underestimate the ‘Art of Pie’ – it can be lethal, luring the batsman into a rush of blood.

 

The Mad have been blessed with many ‘Kings of Pie’ – and a quick name check throws up the late (and great) Adie Fisher, James Hoskins and Ian Leggate….

 

 

 

 

 

Kitten

 

On Tour in Norfolk in 2012, members of the team out on the piss discovered a lost kitten trying to make home in a pub. It was refused accommodation due to setting alarms off – so would have to have fended for itself on a main road surrounded by lager louts and feral dogs.

 

We couldn’t have that – so rescued and re-homed him. Sadly, Billy as he became known, passed away in 2015.

 

 

 

 

 

Kookaburra Bat (Dan Edwards)

 

Back in the day, before Mr D. M. Edwards fled the sinking ship which was the Marlborough House, he used to go around bashing Oxford bowling attacks with his Freddie Flintoff emblazoned Kookaburra bat. It had a beautiful middle despite being of a slightly irregular shape – and we remember him top-edging Ian Howarth’s military medium dross for six at Pembroke.

 

Later, after Dan joined The MAD, his prized instrument of war split at the base. It was discarded in a huff amongst some long grass by a pitch, later to be retrieved by the same Mr Howarth. It now has pride of place in Ian’s summerhouse along with an assortment of broken willows.

 

 

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KP

 

Like Marmite, you either love or hate him – and the players of The MAD seem to spend an overly long time arguing about him. Do you really want his full name…?? Now he’s retired you get to argue about his contributions on BT Sport.

 

 

http://img.thesun.co.uk/aidemitlum/archive/01569/kp_1569838a.jpg

 

 

 

Lamb and Flag

 

This centrally located Oxford pub is a regular haunt to team members and has also hosts regular Committee Meetings. It was also venue to a book launch by Matt Bullock (about Oxford pubs).

 

 

http://www.oxfordhistory.org.uk/images/images_stgiles/east/12_13_lamb_flag.jpg

 

 

 

Lefties

 

Left handed batsman have always been in short supply for The MAD. So much so, they are considered something of a wonder. Currently there are two specimens within the ranks, one with a small head (Mr L. G. Ainsworth – left) and one with a large head (Mr M. K. Reeves – right).

 

 

 

 

 

Lennie

 

Lenny is a fictional character who looks much like the FFTMCC’s tallest cricketer, Mr C. D. Roberts. He came to prominence on Tour in 2015, attending two games with his mate, George, and playing in the one.

 

 

 

( Link to Match Report )

 

 

 

Leon

 

Leon suffers from ginger pubes. He does apparently. I have no idea who the fuck Leon is or the why, but this revelatory fact was announced on Tour to Minehead in 2017 by Mark Rundle.

 

 

 

 

 

Lighthouse

 

The famous red and white striped lighthouse which players visited after their Tour game against Happisburgh CC, Norfolk in 2012.

 

 

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Line (“The line is mine!”)

 

July of 2006 threw up the now classic phrase “the line is mine!” This quote, uttered with increasing volume by wicket keeper Gary Littlechild, was in reference to a stumping appeal where the batsmen’s back foot was on the line (and therefore not grounded in his crease and therefore OUT).

 

To Gary’s fury, the batsman would survive the appeals, but the incendiary incident would be forever etched into MAD folklore.

 

 

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( Link to Match Report )

 

 

 

Lords

 

Home of cricket and home to a posse of Madsters in 2007 when watching a T20 between Middlesex and Essex. It was a fun day out on the piss and some of the group can even remember the cricket. Andrew Strauss probably remembers the game quite well – as he was relentlessly sledged from the terraces by an addled Ian Howarth.

 

 

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( Link to Lords trip )

 

 

 

Lost Ball

 

One of the most regular sights when the Far from the MCC are bowling – is that of a lost ball.

 

 

 

 

 

Louth

 

Home to The MAD’s volatile Steve Parkinson – renegade office worker turned fulltime farmer turned corporate whore. Steve organised the Tour to the area in 2009, where he exposed the group to the England women’s cricket team, a man who had never lost a fight, and a shit nightclub where you got your face kicked in.

 

 

 

 

 

Louth Changing Rooms Placard

 

On the Tour of Louth, the changing rooms of the recently opened London Road Pavilion where signposted by a very smartly designed placard bearing the team’s name. The sign was subsequently stolen and now emblazons the team’s scorebook folder.

 

 

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Louth Ladies

 

Because Dave Shorten and Ian Leggate never shut up about Louth ladies on Tour in 2009, the term appears here. The duo even coined a song about them to, but the details of that ballad remain solely unto them.

 

Did you know the ladies have a football team? They do you know….

 

 

clubglossaryaby

 

 

 

Lymington

 

The original destination of Tour 2015, a picturesque little town sat on the west bank of Lymington River on the Solent. The MAD did visit the place for a quick pint before playing their final match, but never actually stayed there due to another classic Paddy Mellor reorg.

 

 

 

 

 

Mac

 

Whatever the fuck up, whenever Mr Hoskins makes a mess of calculating the new standings in the Fantasy Cricket, it’s the same old story… “It’s my new Mac….”

 

Maybe buy a PC, dude?

 

 

 

 

 

Madolymps

 

The phrase given to the MAD Tour Olympics of Sidmouth 2010. The competition, devised by Tour organiser James Hoskins, was intended as an off-field entertainment and companion to the cricket itself. Comprising five varying events spread across several days (including MAD Top Trumps, Fennel Flinging, Coin Tossing, Frisbeer and Spot The Mongoose), the participants played for a prize  new Mongoose bat. Inaugural winner Ian Howarth presented the bat back to James as a thank you from the team for organising Tour.

 

 

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[The] MAD

 

Shortened team name for the Far from the MCC. The club used to be based (and sponsored) at the Far from the Madding Crowd pub in the centre of Oxford, hence “Mad or MAD” being short for “Madding”.

 

Despite rebranding as the Far from the MCC in the fall of 2005, the club has retained that moniker. Some would say quite apt.

 

 

 

 

 

MAD Scoreboard

 

After the Oxford county council came up trumps by fucking yet another game of cricket at Cutteslowe Park due to an absence of anything (stumps, bails, keys to the pavilion etc), club dogsbody Russ Turner decided on engineering the club’s own scoreboard.

 

 

 

 

 

[The] Magdalen

 

Home pub and sponsor to the FFTMCC through seasons 2006 and 2007 (thanks to then landlord, Ben). It is based on the Iffley Road and unsurprisingly has undergone an extensive makeover in our absence, to become a much-respected gastro pub.

 

 

maggie3

 

 

 

Maidenhead

 

The place Andrew Darley mistakenly thought he was in one night whilst searching for his room key (Minehead 2017).

 

 

 

 

 

Maidstone

 

The fictional Tour that The MAD went on in 2017 as researched by Russ Turner.

 

 

 

 

 

Marlborough House

 

The name refers to a now defunct opposition who were based at a now defunct Marlborough House pub off the Abingdon Road. The MAD enjoyed regular (and very vocal) contests with the Marlborites over the years, and it was noted with great sadness when they disbanded at the end of 2005.

 

Honourable to the last, The MAD were quick to pillage their club contacts and a couple of their best players. Life goes on as they say….

 

 

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Marsh Harrier

 

Another regular watering hole for Club MAD – and a pub which has provided hospitality after many a match at nearby grounds (Jesus College, Cowley Marshes etc). It was also the venue for the Club’s ill-fated Decadilly Day in 2007.

 

The links to the pub are numerous, with the Marsh Harrier also providing opposition back in the day – skippered by the late and great Adrian J. Fisher in 2001.

 

 

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( Link to Scorecards )

 

 

 

Mathematical Genius

 

There is only one true mathematical genius to represent The MAD and that is Mr Jake Hotson. Professor Stephen Hawking couldn’t tie his shoelaces, that said….

 

 

 

 

 

McCaw (Richie)

 

The sublime and former All Blacks rugby union captain and hero to the townsfolk of New Zealand. Richie is also a sex god to resident MAD Kiwi, David Emerson.

 

 

http://i.telegraph.co.uk/multimedia/archive/02085/richie-mccaw_2085039c.jpg

 

 

 

McKno’s Bunny

 

Most FFTMCC batsman who faced the sprightly swing bowling of Carl McKno (Appleton CC) could lay claim to being his ‘bunny’.  These days they don’t, as Carl left the parish under a dark cloud.

 

 

 

 

 

Medi Duck

 

The third mascot ‘duck’ to join the fringes of The MAD. No one is quite sure where Medi[um] Duck originated from, but he/she is thought to have first appeared sometime whilst on Tour to f______ T______ in 2014. Again, this duck is also now thought lost.

 

 

 

 

 

Mega Ball

 

A lightweight football of excessive size, Mega Ball was booted around Minehead in 2017. It was last seen in the hands of some small child at the end of the game.

 

 

 

 

 

Megaphone

 

An excellent stage prop found in the Brasenose pavilion by David Emerson. It was used for commentary during a match against Iffley Village CC in 2018.

 

 

 

 

 

Mel & Kim

 

No, not the British pop duo from the 80’s, but the respective wives of Martin Westmoreland and Steve Dobner (Mel on the right in the below photo).

 

 

clubglossaryabo

 

 

 

Mental Breakdown

 

In terms of team members finding themselves on the dark and decidedly slippery slide of mental health, the FFTMCC would probably benefit from including a shrink on the club payroll.

 

 

http://images.sodahead.com/polls/0/0/1/0/4/5/4/4/4/348066_ever_nervous_breakdown.jpeg

 

 

 

MG

 

Every week back in the day, some lucky punter would get to ride in James Hoskins’ sporty MG to a cricket match. Alas, this perk all came to an end when his car spontaneously combusted after he parked the exhaust too close to some flower beds at work.

 

 

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Midge

 

Dave Shorten’s rambling hound accompanies him to many a MAD match. She soon disappears away from the crappy cricket, instead looking for muntjacs and rabbits. Can’t say we blame her….

 

 

 

 

 

Mike Ashley

 

Russell Turner’s other self. His doppelganger who came to prominence on Tour to Minehead in 2017.

 

 

 

 

 

Mincing

 

On June 11, 2006 – the Milton CC wicketkeeper noted club snob, Steve Parkinson, had a rather lar-dee-dar run up when he bowled. He amusingly likened it to “mincing” (affectedly dainty in manner or gait). Thereafter, the nickname “Mincer” was subsequently appropriated to Steve and his club apparel.

 

 

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Minehead

 

The Far from the MCC toured the Minehead region of Somerset for three consecutive years starting in 2003. They formed some close bonds which were reignited in 2017. The team plans to return again in 2019.

 

 

clubglossaryak

 

 

 

Mini

 

James Hoskins has invested in many a car over the years, helping to transport fellow team members to games. However his last purchase, a Mini, was a wasted investment – the engine was shot and storage space for kit bags at a premium. Must try better, JMO….

 

 

 

 

 

Moaning

 

There is nothing better than a good fucking moan and this club more than any other has embraced it over the years.  In recent years, levels of moaning have increased to record levels, with performances on the field dipping conversely.

 

 

 

( Link to Match Report )

 

 

 

Mobility Scooter

 

The vehicle of choice for those Butlins residents suffering from the debilitating illness iateallthepiesitis, causing an inability to travel any distance over 10 metres using their own feet.

 

 

 

 

 

Moo

 

A common term in cricket for an agricultural smear of the ball [leg-side slog] to the mid-wicket area of the cricket pitch. The MAD’s master of the Moo, Martin Westmoreland has subsequently copyrighted the stroke.

 

 

 

 

 

Moo Bats

 

In 2011 at Oxenford CC, Martin Westmoreland revealed his own brand of cricket bat – “The Moo Range”. These consisted of three imported bats from India of unknown pedigree, each with its own very inimitable sticker.

 

 

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Mongoose Bat

 

A seemingly revolutionary new bat which was conceived with the introduction of T20 cricket (and subsequently forgotten about). It apparently gives an attacking advantage to the batsman, hitting faster, harder and further. It resembles a paddle rather than a bat and doubles The MAD fines of anyone using it.

 

 

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Mumbles

 

The MAD toured the South Wales area of Mumbles in 2008. It never stopped raining. Well, it did relent on a few occasions – enough for the team to lose a couple of games of cricket. However, it will be that horrendous weather that sticks long in the memory….

 

 

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( Link to Match Report )

 

 

 

Mural

 

There are many outstanding murals in the world – colourful, tasteful and iconic. The mural at the Cowley Marshes was none of those. In fact, it wasn’t even a mural as such, just shite metre high graffiti daubed on a wall by the side of the cricket field. MAD players referred to it as a ‘mural’ out of cynical affection, and thus it was until the council painted over it.

 

 

 

 

 

Museum

 

An online page devoted to the exhibition and educational interpretation, of objects which had some significance to the Far from the MCC. The webpage was dissolved back in 2016 after it was merged with this far superior collection of shit known as ‘The Glossary’.

 

 

 

Natch (Cider)

 

Another cider, this time brewed in Bristol by Matthew Clark. The Mad discovered its disembodying effects whilst on Tour in the Minehead in 2003. It quickly became the staple diet for several players, leading to a distinct loss of form and coherence.

 

 

http://www.matthewclark.co.uk/productimages/00024051.jpg  http://www.matthewclark.co.uk/productimages/00024051.jpg  http://www.matthewclark.co.uk/productimages/00024051.jpg  http://www.matthewclark.co.uk/productimages/00024051.jpg

 

 

 

(The Lord) Nelson

 

The de facto capital of drinking for the beer lout / meat head in the Hythe & Dibden area of Hampshire. Ramming with disco dollies at the weekend, the establishment is well versed in a great punch up which inevitably spills out onto the street. The MAD felt most at home there on the Tours of 2015 and 2016.

 

 

Image result for nelson hythe dibden pub

 

 

 

Nervous Nineties

 

A term to describe the psychological pressure on a batsman knowing he is approaching a century. Ian Howarth has fallen in the nineties a few times, but he’s too dumb to have felt nervous. Dave Emerson also – but equally too dumb. So maybe it should be the “Dumb Nineties?”

 

 

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Nest

 

Nope, nothing to do with birds or trees, this term is used to describe a MAD netting session (or net). An email informing the players of an upcoming net back in 2005, was misspelled as “nest” – and predictably has become the saying ever since.

 

 

 

 

 

Never at This Level

 

A divisive, twentieth season celebratory book released in June of 2018. Written by several hands and now sold on Amazon for the rough equivalent of two pints of beer in Oxford.

 

 

 

 

 

Newbery County Pads

 

Another lot from the Kit Auction of the 2011 AGM, these right handed pads were won by James Pearson for the princely sum of £20. Not much is known about them other than they probably came into being after the club re-branded itself in 2005 to the FFTMCC.

 

 

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( Link to 2011 AGM )

 

 

Newcastle FC

 

See “Mike Ashley” for further details. Or any photo of Russ Turner circa 2017 (and most likely onwards).

 

 

Related image

 

 

 

New Zealand

 

Club founder Ed Lester emigrated to New Zealand during the fall of 2004 and is now involved with Heathcote CC (see the “Links” page). The home of Lord of the Rings was also the home of David and Danial Emerson (Invercargill).

 

 

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No LBW (law)

 

T20 matches versus Blewbury & Upton CC are contested without the LBW law being taken into consideration. It has been a divisive ruling over the years and indeed instigated much comment and disagreement.

 

 

 

( Link to Match Report )

 

 

No-Mad

 

When the team left the Far from the Madding Crowd in 2004, they essentially became nomadic after failing to secure a new home pub. In essence, they were no longer “Madding”, but “No-Mad”. Therefore, for the season of 2005, many of the match reports refer to the team as The No-Mad and not The MAD. Simples.

 

 

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( Link to Match Report )

 

 

 

Norfolk

 

Glorious weather accompanied The MAD throughout their Tour of Norfolk in 2012. Regardless of the cricketing results, many great memories were had by all those who made the effort.

 

 

 

( Link to Tour Ratings )

 

 

 

Nostalgia

 

As knees, hips and backs become increasingly knackered, and performances slide into the utterly forgettable, team members increasingly draw on nostalgia (when they were useful).

 

 

 

 

 

“Not at This Level”

 

A quote made famous by ex-captain, Ed Lester, to describe his shock and disgust at being awarded lbw in friendly games of cricket (read Sunday cricket). Notwithstanding Ed standing adjacent to his stumps (on appeal), he would take an age to walk back to the pavilion bitterly complaining about the injustices in the world. The phrase would subsequently be used as the title for The MAD’s first published book in 2008.

 

 

 

 

 

Not Fit For Purpose

 

It perfectly describes any number of Far from the MCC players on the Sunday morning before a match. Tour is worst, where a head count is undertaken each day to find those who can play cricket.

 

 

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Nurdle

 

An amusing reference to describe a batsman nudging the ball around into gaps, usually for a quick single or, erm… a non-run. Antony “Doc” Mander is/was a revered exponent of this shot and helped bring the word into MAD lingo.

 

 

 

 

 

Nutcase

 

Every club has one. An enforcer – there to stand up for the team in the heat of battle, or the heat of the car park. Mr Dobner used to carry out any MAD off-field impropriety, with a preference for using his forehead and/or wardrobe door to finalise matters.

 

 

 

 

 

Obsessional

 

Chairman Matt Bullock (left), Ian Howarth (below) and Gary Timms are all obsessed with stats.

 

 

 

 

 

OCCSCC

 

In 2016, the FFTMCC played the OCCSCC in the final of the Friendly Cup. A team of equally long abbreviated lettering, but with more C’s in their name (no pun intended). They were actually a jolly good bunch, apart from the fact they won, with a few ringers, one of which scored all their runs. Bastards.

 

 

 

( Link to Match Report )

 

 

Offices (OU)

 

A shortened term referring to the Oxford University Offices, whose cricket team have competed against The MAD for many years. A strong bond now exists between the two teams and pre-season nets are often shared.

 

The relationship has become so good in recent years, that the Far from the MCC have now swiped most their best players and left the club to shit.

 

 

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Oops Ball

 

The Oops Ball was attributed to Steve Hebbes, who used the delivery to devastating effect during his brief tenure playing for The MAD. A typical Oops Ball would bounce twice before reaching the batsman, rarely getting off the ground (a “grass cutter” or “grubber” if you will) and often striking the base of the stumps to a shout of “oops” from his teammates.

 

 

 

 

 

One Show

 

Like children at a Birthday party, an excitable MAD entourage gatecrashed the BBC’s One Show being hosted on the Weston-Super-Mare seafront in 2013. With an enthusiastic crowd, some fantastic weather paid homage to presenter Alex Jones’ most fetching custard attire.

 

But sod Alex (oo-err), here is a photograph of the One Show bus instead….

 

 

 

 

 

Open Top Bus (Celebration)

 

In advance of the Friendly Cup Final against OCCSCC in 2016, Team MAD had already discussed an inevitable victory and had tasked their Treasurer with finding out the costs of hiring an open top bus to conduct a celebration. Contemptible arrogance of the highest order. Of course we fucking lost. The plan is shelved going forward….

 

 

 

( Link to Match Report )

 

 

Orwell Hotel

 

During their stay in Felixstowe in 2018, The MAD were more than catered for by a Victorian hotel dating all the way back to 1898. Happy to report is has been modernised in the intervening years.

 

 

 

 

 

Padded Up (Bob)

 

For some reason, Mr Roberts always appears to be padded up and waiting to bat. Even though he is the perennial number eleven. Shit batting line up? Maybe. Lack of confidence in his fellow batsman? Maybe. But, whilst he sits there with his pads, he somehow exudes a passive calm which envelopes his team mates – reassuring them everything is okay.

 

 

 

 

 

Paddle

 

No, not an implement to spank someone on the buttocks – and not to be confused with a paddle-scoop as popularised by Sri Lankan Tillekartne Dilshan in ODI cricket. No, the paddle is the staple diet of Steve Dobner – where a swivel of the hip precedes a wristy flick-type thing, which normally sees the ball dribble away for a single (or two).

 

Boring to watch, but unusually effective, this stroke can be used against balls of any direction and / or any length (apparently).

 

 

 

 

 

Pappa Gilkes

 

Now into his dotage, serial fatherer, Roger Gilkes still keeps wicket for Appleton CC and is still assured at distracting you with his constant observations whilst you bat. He is rumoured to have sired more boys than Pappa Lemming.

 

 

 

 

 

Pappa Lemming

 

Now into his dotage, serial fatherer, Tom Baker – not be confused with the dude in a Tardis – still boasts of playing for the Lemmings and never once being on the losing side against The MAD. He was last seen at Cutteslowe Park where he bowled Dobner for 3.

 

 

 

 

 

 

Pembroke College

 

Ahh, The MAD’s first spiritual home – Pembroke College Sports Ground just off the Abingdon Road, Oxford. The ground will always be remembered for being flanked by towering trees whispering in the wind, an idyllic environment. It also housed a decrepit pavilion and a groundsman (Kev) who hated sport and made Airfix models to pass the time. The MAD played their last game at Pembroke in the fall of 2007.

 

 

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Penguins Stopped Play (Book)

 

Another lot which was flogged during an auction at the 2011 AGM, Harry Thompson’s “PSP” had somehow found its way to the bottom of one of the club’s numerous kit bags. Still in relatively decent condition, it was signed by all the team members present on the night and sold to Dave Emerson for £15.50. It’s just a shame it wasn’t ever translated into Maori.

 

 

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Pickled

 

Or pissed. It’s what Sunday pub cricket team aspires to. Nothing more to add really….

 

 

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Pie

 

Not to be confused with the mathematical symbol [Pi]. In cricket, it is the hors d’oeuvres of the “pie chucker” – the ubiquitous lobber of a cricket ball (pie or flan or some other delicate pastry).

 

 

 

 

 

Pie Chucker

 

Aah, the beloved term given to the slow bowling department of The MAD. Nobody is quite sure where the term was initially realised, but it is common to hear it in village circles up and down the country. A pie chucker should not be confused with somebody who spins the ball (a spinner), as often the guiles and ways of a pie chucker depend more on shit batting than anything else (luring the batsman into a wild slog as he watches the bowler lob a slow appetising sausage roll towards him).

 

 

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( Link to Match Report )

 

 

 

Pie Denial

 

Aah, some ‘spinners’ or ‘slow bowlers’ are incandescent when they labelled a ‘pie chucker’. This form of cricketing ignorance is known as “pie denial”. In their own mind they are match winning ripper of the ball, but in reality….

 

 

 

 

 

Pizzas (Phoenix)

 

If you want a pizza then there is only one place to go to get a pizza, and that is Phoenix Wood Fired Pizzas. This culinary enterprise was the dreamchild of James and Polly Hoskins and is also responsible for the former not arriving on Tour 2018 on time.

 

A link to their website can be found on the home page of this equally brilliant website.

 

 

 

 

 

Platypus Speed Sensor Ball

 

This garish cricketing oddity made its debut back in 2006, after Mr J. D. Hoskins became obsessed with finding out how quick members of the team were bowling and how hard they were hitting the ball. It was definitely an intriguing item, but when Jake Hotson was clocked bowling sharper than Waqar Younis, it was soon relegated to the depths of the kit bag never to be taken seriously again.

 

 

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Piece of Shit

 

A simple use of three words to describe the car James Hoskins acquired off his mother a few years ago. It was intended as a temporary solution to his transportation problems to matches following a yearlong sabbatical globetrotting, but ended up as a less than dignified long term option. Shame on the man.

 

 

 

 

 

 

Pikey’s

 

A pejorative slang term used in England and Ireland, used originally to refer to Irish travellers. However, on Tour in 2005, The MAD hijacked the term to label players Jake Hotson, Thornton Smith and Mike Clarke. It referred to their dishevelled appearance after several days on the piss and the acute need of a bath and new wardrobe.

 

 

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Pink Ball

 

First seen during a T20 versus Wroxeter Grove CC on Tour in 2014. So, impressed by its visibility in poor light, The MAD have subsequently invested heavily in them.

 

 

 

 

 

Pink Gay Hat

 

The recipient of the pink gay hat was someone who dropped a catch whilst on the Tour to Eastbourne in 2007. The item is now thought sadly lost….

 

 

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Pink Tape

 

Mr Reeves championed some (pink) support tape for his fuckered knee in 2016. Allegedly providing stability for muscles, joints and tendons, the makers simply prey on those gullible enough to believe it actually does any good.

 

 

 

Pink Visor

 

Since Paddy Mellor’s inception into MAD ranks following a big money transfer from the OU Offices, he has become synonymous for his sparkling pink visor. It is in stark contrast to his batting….

 

 

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Pirate Golf

 

A feature of nearly every MAD Tour is a crazy golf course. In recent times the emphasis has been placed on finding a Pirate Golf course. Intricate and cleverly designed, these pirate golf courses are the connoisseur’s choice when balancing a day on the piss with some low-key competition.

 

 

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Pissed Asleep

 

As the alcohol slowly courses around the body, the incumbent slowly drifts into the world of the subconscious. Watching Geoff Carter bat causes a similar effect.

 

 

 

 

 

Pisshead

 

Not many of The MAD squad members are exempt from being labelled a pisshead, but back in 2009, new recruit David Emerson raised the bar to a whole new level by collapsing pissed and asleep whilst playing away against Cholsey CC.

 

 

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( Link to Match Report )

 

Pissing (Urination)

 

A common site at most FFTMCC matches is that of a group of males in cricket whites, stood with their backs towards you, hands hidden from view, as they water the nearby bushes.

 

 

 

 

 

Pissing Frenzy

 

On the long walk up to Stogumber’s ground in 2017, following a two-hour drinking marathon on a steam train, the touring party took it turns to water the surroundings.

 

 

 

 

 

Piss-up

 

According to the urban Dictionary, a piss-up is basically a social gathering or full-blown party organised intentionally to get drunk. A piss-up could therefore be used to describe any Far from the MCC annual general meeting and / or Tour.

 

It could also be used to describe a typically abject Mad batting display.

 

 

 

 

 

Piss Stop

 

Whenever it becomes just too much, and you have to leave the field. Darned that pre-match pint….

 

 

 

 

 

Plane Crash

 

Whenever, and wherever, the Far from the MCC play, they liberally distribute their kitbags [and loads of other assorted shit] to all parts of the ground. It is a scene very reminiscent of a plane crash – albeit without the acrid smell of jet engine oil. Some would say the smell of their kitbags is worse….

 

 

 

 

 

Platinum (Duck)

 

You have scooped a platinum duck if you are dismissed to the first ball of the innings. Dan Edwards, Ian Howarth, Jake Hotson and James Hoskins share this dubious accolade. An honourable failure of epic proportions.

 

 

 

 

 

“Plenty of guns in the bag!”

 

A famous phrase belonging to Andrew Darley, first aired on Tour to Felixstowe in 2018. It is a reference to their being plenty of decent batsman yet to come to the wicket.

 

 

 

 

 

Plinth

 

Due to a rash of outbursts from teammates containing the “C” word, former skipper Mr J. D. Hoskins, demanded the word replaced by “plinth” instead. The silly old plinth has now extended this request when in the confines of his house.

 

 

 

 

 

Plough Inn (Appleton)

 

Regular haunt of the FFTMCC before match days in Appleton. The Plough has a decent smattering of ales and ciders, food and extensive gardens back and front. It also has table lamps which you can drag and smash onto the floor if you’re called James Hoskins.

 

 

Image result for plough inn appleton

 

 

 

Plumb

 

When a batsman is clearly and unequivocally LBW, he is said to be plumb LBW. Before club founder Ed Lester left The MAD for pastures new, he would regularly give demonstrations of the plumb LBW decision. Shuffling awkwardly in his crease and missing a ball of good length ball on middle stump – Eddie was routinely plumb LBW. Even if it was “at this level” (standard).

 

 

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Poet

 

Andrew Morley was the club’s incumbent (and award winning) poet back in the day. He was equally proficient at consuming strong levels of alcoholic lager and writing excellent verse about it. A true multitasking maverick in every sense.

 

 

 

( Link to Poem )

 

 

 

Poetic Match

 

Sadly missed by those who were lucky enough to know him back in the day, Andrew Morley was most definitely unique. In 2008 he detailed a match against R. T. Harris in his own inimitable and brilliant way. The report/poem needs referencing and it most definitely needs remembering….

 

 

 

( Link to Match Report / Poem )

 

 

 

Policeman’s Helmet

 

A symbolic item from The MAD’s 2005 Tour of Minehead. The actual investor of the helmet is unknown, but it was famously sported by Jake Hotson when skippering against Stogumber CC – quoting “I’m the authority around here.”

 

 

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Policewomen’s Hats

 

They couldn’t find any policeman’s helmets in Weston-Super-Mare, so Thornton Smith and Mark Rundle invested in Juliet Bravo-esque hats for their non-playing roles (managing whilst pissed) against WSMCC.

 

 

 

( Link to Match Report )

 

 

 

Pooley (Senior)

 

Team mascot and occasional captain of the Wootton & Bladon cricket team. The MAD have enjoyed a love hate relationship with Steve Poole since their inaugural bust up in 2003.

 

Now older, Steve is generally to be found sat about the boundary concentrating his energies on the afternoon teas.

 

 

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( Link to Match Report )

 

 

 

Pool System

 

A much-maligned invention first debuting in 2005 by Tour Skipper Jake Hotson. It involved the MAD batting order being split into certain ‘pools’ of similar themed batsman – where one would replace another on dismissal akin to him or herself (i.e an aggressive batsman would replace an aggressive batsman and vice versa with a more cautious batsman).

 

 

clubglossaryace

 

( Link to Inspectorate )

 

 

 

Porsche

 

Ever since Matt Bullock got himself a red TVR to boast the quickest car in the team, James Hoskins (a former MG owner) became green with envy. The affliction eventually affected his psyche to such an extent that he sold his entire life savings and plumped for a Porsche Boxster in 2009 (subsequently sold).

 

He’s now got a sprightly Mini XL-Well Quick, but we haven’t got a photo of that….

 

 

clubglossaryaw

 

 

 

Portchester CC

 

A talented and fun-loving touring team from the borough of Fareham, Hampshire. The FFTMCC first locked horns with them in 2010, where a successful Tour to Oxford paved the way for a couple more – and a reciprocated visit by The MAD in 2011.

 

The scoreline is currently 4-0 to Portsmouth….

 

 

 

( Link to Match Report )

 

 

 

Posh Builder

 

Dave Shorten is a builder by trade and lives on Boars Hill. By the very nature of living in those aloof surrounds you are considered posh. Do the math.

 

He’s now retired, so it be can considered posh retirement.

 

 

 

 

 

Posh Full English

 

After being booked into the poshest hotel on the Minehead seafront in 2017, the team were treated to the poshest breakfast they’d ever experienced on a Tour. Due do hangovers and those unable to rise, it would also be the poshest breakfast ever to go untouched in some cases.

 

 

 

 

 

Positive Mental Attitude (PMA)

 

With most of The MAD players radiating cynicism and downbeat assumptions about an upcoming match, PMA is an attribute that can be rarely levelled at the team. It was first championed by James Hoskins during his stint of captaincy from 2003 to 2005. It clearly never brushed off, as nobody gives a shit these days….

 

 

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Positively Stupid Fucking T-shirt

 

Most club members have worn positively stupid fucking T-shirts over the years. Hotson, Smith, Howarth, Hoskins, Dobner, Hebbes, Emerson etc etc etc. Hardly anyone is exempt. There are countless millions of examples, some more stupid than others, but the below example really is fucking shit.

 

 

 

 

 

Prang

 

Steve Dobner’s wife likes nothing better than smashing her fella’s cars up on the way to cricket. Kim is equally adroit smashing them away from cricket too….

 

 

 

 

 

Prosecco

 

Mini-magnums of cava came to the fore on Tour to Pylewell Park in 2016 (see “Blackout Juice” for further details). After James Hoskins made discovery of a stock of them in the thatched pavilion, his copious intake was then copied by his team mates. Of the thirty or so bottles on sale, none remained after the tourists left.

 

 

 

( Link to Match Report )

 

 

 

Pub Guide

 

Back in the fall of 2011, Club Chairman Matt Bullock published a dossier on Oxford pubs to critical pisshead acclaim. This leap into the world of literature is of course utterly befitting of a man who regularly writes for CAMRA Oxford.

 

 

 

 

 

Pudding (of a pitch)

 

The MAD have ridiculously agreed to play on many puddings over the years, but all that came to an end in 2013 against Wootton & Bladon. During a rainstorm, a T20 was completed in the mud whilst kit bags and accessories were washed away due to no shelter from the elements. A dark day for MAD cricket.

 

 

 

( Link to Match Report )

 

 

 

Puppy

 

Joe Puppy, a rabid black hound that belonged to Dan Edwards. This puppy, although pretty much always a fully grown dog, was often seen running uncontrolled across cricket grounds stealing everything in sight. He sadly passed away in 2014. RIP our furry friend.

 

 

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Pylewell Park

 

Located in Lymington, Hampshire, adjacent to the New Forest, this enchanting park land is home to a grand manor house and local cricket team – Pylewell Park CC – who the FFTMCC guested against whilst on Tour in 2015 and 2016.

 

 

 

 

 

Pyrotechnics (Batting)

 

Everyone loves a great display of twatting the ball and usually The MAD are on the receiving end. So how nice to remember the innings of 47 from 26 balls by our very own David Emerson, after he opened up against Islip CC in 2015. After 7 overs the FFTMCC were 54-0. Great stuff.

 

 

 

( Link to Match Report )

 

 

Q.

 

Every decision a MAD Skipper makes is immediately queried by his team. Every single one. Year after year. That’s the problem with democracy.

 

DO. AS. YOU. ARE. F______. TOLD!!!

 

 

 

 

 

Q Bar

 

Actually the “Quay Inn” in Minehead, with a LARGE ‘Q’ emblem on its chimney. Please don’t ask Mr Timms to tell you any of his jokes about the place.

 

 

 

 

 

Queens College

 

Picturesque central Oxford cricket ground which is home to The MAD’s erstwhile opponents Isis CC.

 

 

 

 

 

Quiz (Gary)

 

On the 2017 Tour to Minehead, Mr Timms chose to opt out of dissolving his insides with a curry, instead opting to run a quiz before the rest of the team were plastered.

 

 

 

 

 

Quiz (Matt)

 

On the 2016 Tour to Hythe & Dibden, Mr Bullock unveiled an excellent thought provoking quiz during the annual curry night. In it, the answers to several questions involved mathematical formula which utilised MAD player numbers (MAD maths if you will). It was thought a great success.