Far from the MCC

~ Est. in 1998 ~

 

0 - 9  |  A - I  |  J - Q  |  R - Z 

 

 

 

 

MAD Glossary “A – I”

 

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Comic book? Graphic novel? Back of a graffiti daubed toilet door? The Glossary is an idea dating back to 2006 which was sewn by Mike Reeves, who having recently joined the club from a shit pub team worse than our own, declared he hadn’t got a clue what everyone else was on about. His reasoning was that since the club was established some eight years previous, many of the terms, references and lingo were alien to the unacquainted.

 

Fast forward to the dawn of 2018 and after an annually exhaustive MOT, the Far from the MCC’s allegedly most popular web page comes back online. A huge amount of thanks to all contributors, however small, for the gems and inspiration which have gone into creating this encyclopaedic breakdown of MAD folklore.

 

 

 

 

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“AAAARRGGGHHH!!!!!”

 

A typical noise omitted when a player gets a ball in the knackers (bollocks). Russ Turner copped a beauty whilst fielding at Wootton & Boars Hill in 2013. Similarly, James Hoskins was felled in 2010 v Milton CC (see below).

 

On any and every occasion players from both teams find it hilarious.

 

 

 

( Link to Match Fines )

 

 

 

“Accumulator”

 

Not a reference to a steadily built innings, but in fact a reference to Chris Robert’s easy way to become a millionaire. Tall Bob regularly picks seventeen (or more) home wins on the football pools and watches the cash come flooding in. Oh….

 

 

 

 

Adjoining Field

 

A sustained and prolonged hammering by an opposition batsman was a regular fixture in 2017, but the pasting on Tour on Blagdon Hill was perhaps the pastiest of all. Young L Trottman (bowling below) whacked a dozen enormous sixes, which would result in a non-playing James Pearson permanently stationed in an adjoining field (behind the bowler).

 

 

 

 

 

Aggro

 

Any match against Wootton & Bladon CC (the provocatively nicknamed Fat Boys]) The early years were the worst with 2003’s encounter in Bladon the best worst example, in which an umpire Tony Mander (aka ‘The Doc’) threatened to take the teams off the pitch to quell the unrest.

 

 

http://i.telegraph.co.uk/multimedia/archive/02246/euro-violence_2246779b.jpg

 

( Link to Match Report )

 

 

 

“All day mate.”

 

A saying embraced by The MAD ever since Dan Edwards was quoted using it whilst batting in the face of hostile sledging. It is thought as meaning a type of rebuke “whatever, ha ha, bring it on… etc, just keep trudging that crap out etc – and I’ll just keep on going… batting all day etc.”

 

Or maybe it had some other darker meaning, but you’d have to ask Dan….

 

 

 

 

 

Afghanistan

 

In 2013, Rahman Alizha became The MAD’s first Afghan recruit, after being coerced from a St. Clements’ newsagents by Ian Leggate. Rahman bowled and batted with aplomb.

 

 

 

Age

 

Just as with ‘height’, The MAD are fixated with ‘age’. Who is the youngest and, more importantly, who is the oldest cunt in the team?

 

 

 

 

 

Amazingly Amazing

 

A perfect couple of words which encompass Mr G. J. Timms’ first MAD Tour experience. After an elongated apprenticeship, and after tiring of the endless Tour stories assuaged by his team mates, Gary finally enrolled for the 2014 shambles which was f______ T______. We are deeply sorry, Gary – Tour is usually fantastic…. Better look next year, aye?

 

 

 

( Link to 2014 Tour Ratings )

 

 

Ambassador

 

Before (and during) the Tour of Louth in 2009, club snob and chief extrovert Steve Parkinson announced to the entire team that he would be representing the team in an “ambassadorial role”. This aloof, self-proclaimed importance netted him a pile of abuse and a shitload of fines – and still haunts him to the present day.

 

 

clubglossaryaat

 

 

 

Amnesia

 

Prior to the match at Stogumber, Minehead in 2017, Ian Howarth went on a quiet day’s binge drinking with Geoff Carter. Starting off at the hotel, they then got twatted on a steam train, twatted at the ground and then some pub in the outback. By morning, Ian text and emailed the team in a panic realising he has lost his beloved Canon and all the photos from the previous day. That was until he found it is his kitbag – in his room – where he put it.

 

 

 

 

 

Anatidaephobia

 

Gary Timms was accused by his missus of suffering from this peculiarity after a rash of ducks and subsequent obsession thereof. The phobia describes the sufferer fearing that no matter where they are, or what they are doing, a duck is watching.

 

 

clubglossaryaaz

 

 

 

Antony’s Bunny

 

Andrew Darley was, and always will be, Antony Mann’s bunny. See “Bunny” for further information relating to.

 

 

ClubGlossaryc

 

( Link to Inspectorate )

 

 

 

Apparel (Club)

 

Martin Westmoreland is, and always has been, the Club Kit Man. Somehow, sometime back in the day, Moo ruefully accepted responsibility for ordering in new shirts. These days, he has an inventory comparable to Sports Direct and an entire family working on outstanding orders.

 

 

 

 

 

Appetite

 

There have always been some LARGE appetites within the Far from the MCC, but none can come anywhere near matching the destructive, carnivorous force which is one Mr. R. P. Turner.

 

 

 

 

 

Appleton

 

Appleton is a village in the civil parish of Appleton-with-Eaton some 4 miles northwest of Abingdon. It boasts a leafy little cricket ground by some sewerage works, with the amusing and affable local team providing opposition for the FFTMCC since 2009. 

 

 

 

 

 

Arm Wrestling

 

After the conclusion of a very successful 2015 AGM, the excessive booze then commanded several players should partake in an impromptu arm wrestling competition. Tall Bob (below left) would manhandle his way to victory, and on the way cause various injuries to other contestants.

 

 

 

 

 

Aston Tirrold

 

Home to the Astons CC, South Oxford – perennial opposition for The MAD since 2007. Also, home to Tim and Lucy Henman who live adjacent to the ground and of course not forgetting some totally bias umpires.

 

 

 

 

 

Auction

 

Following the end of the 2011 season, it was decided to auction off at the subsequent AGM all of the crap that had slowly built up in team kit bag[s] over the years [a decade if told]. The idea, first muted by Jake Hotson, proved highly successful bringing in much needed revenue to the club.

 

clubglossaryabm

 

( Link to AGM )

 

 

 

Australia

 

The club have had many Australians play for them over the years, with nearly all of them deciding they hated their downtrodden, sarcastic teammates and buggering off whence they came.

 

 

 

 

 

Balti Towers

 

An amusing nickname for the Fountain Court Hotel which is located in Hythe & Dibden. It was coined on the Tour of 2016 due to the laughable nature of the place and the fact it had Indian owners.

 

 

 

 

 

Barrow Boys

 

A collective for The MAD’s two commuting Londonites Steve Dobner and his brother-in-law Gary Littlechild. Whilst not strictly geographically true, we don’t give a shit as we enjoy using the term. Also, they both have a ‘barrow’ drawl, awight?

 

 

 

( Link to Inspectorate )

 

 

 

Battered

 

Another bilingual term. It is both used to describe the condition of some of the team prior to a match on a Sunday – and also to reference some of The MAD bowling on display.

 

 

 

 

 

Beach Hotel (Minehead)

 

Somehow Dave Shorten managed to book sixteen pissed cricketers into the Beach Hotel on Minehead seafront in 2017, all for the price of some cheap toilet roll.

 

 

 

 

 

Beavis & Butthead

 

Jon Newman-Robson (Beavis, on right) and Andrew Darley (Butthead, on left) are likened to our cartoon comedy heroes. They room together on Tour and behave like our cartoon heroes (on and off the field).

 

 

 

 

 

Berry’s Coaches (Minehead)

 

The MAD have got previous when it comes to having “issues” with coach hire. On Tour to Minehead in 2017, Mr Reeves ensured the team all died of carbon monoxide poisoning after booking an obsolete model from the 1970’s. Below is the last known photo of those tourists. May they rest in peace.

 

 

 

 

 

Bertie

 

Joe Cartwright’s iconic little (Bassett) hound is now synonymous with MAD matches. After losing his head and legs to a mauling from Midge (Dave Shorten’s dog), they now appear to have a more rounded understanding.

 

 

 

 

 

Big Society (BS)

 

Another popular local watering hole for team members living off the Cowley Road, Oxford. The Big Society offers up welcoming staff, US-style fast food and a decent smattering of beer and cider served in schooners. There is also plenty of nice eye candy.

 

 

http://s0.geograph.org.uk/geophotos/03/69/39/3693905_f84701c5.jpg

 

 

 

Biffa

 

A name given to a new club bat acquired by Steve Dobner back in 2004. It was thought to give the ball a pretty good smack when middled and thus ended up with the name “Biffa”. There were numerous investments in “Biffas” over the years, each with an identifying numerical post-fix (i.e Biffa 3). To date there are now none left – all fucked.

 

 

 

 

 

Bicycle / Bike Ride

 

Ever since Mike Reeves decided to cycle across America from Los Angeles to Boston in 2009, anyone seen on a bike is said to be impersonating him. He would now struggle to cycle from Botley to the centre of town.

 

 

Clubglossaryz

 

( Link to Mike's Blog )

 

 

 

Big Bird

 

No, not a reference to another MAD dismissal for a large nought, but the nickname of OUP master batsman Chris Heron. See “Inspector Gadget” for further details.

 

 

clubglossaryaan

 

 

Bitch

 

Since Paddy Mellor made mention that he loved batting against teammate David Emerson – the dye was cast. Whilst on Tour in 2013, Paddy guested for Belvedere CC and by opening the batting for them, got the opportunity to back up his boasts. He duly humped David all over Weston-super-Mare, and as a result – David became his bitch.

 

 

 

( Link to Match Report )

 

 

 

Black Boy Inn

 

Represents the designated watering hole for pre and post-match drinks against Milton CC in Bloxham. It also boasts barmaids of wonderful form, Morris Dancers and an excellent beer garden. The beer, lager and cider aren’t too bad either.

 

 

clubglossaryabn

 

 

 

 

Blackout Juice

 

Traditionally consumed by Italians as a springtime aperitif, this sparkling wine (cava) has quickly become the fast-track to lightly sparkling oblivion for millions of UK drinkers, and of course members of the Far from the MCC.

 

 

 

 

 

Black Cat

 

During and after Mark Rundle’s incredible sequence of wicketless matches as a MAD bowler (spanning more than one season), it was assumed he’d ran over a black cat or something (an old superstition). Watching him toil away, over after over, the ball continually beating the bat (and stumps), it was assumed he must’ve been cursed…?

 

 

 

 

 

Blame Game

 

It’s always somebody’s fault. ALWAYS. Usually it’s the Skipper for losing the toss and / or batting first on a shit pitch etc. Other times it’s the groundsman for preparing a total dog of a wicket (notwithstanding it’s the same for both teams).

 

But sometimes, it’s simply easier to lay blame on Mr P. A. S. Mellor for organising the 2014 Tour to f______ T______. Never to be fotgotten!

 

 

 

 

 

Blenheim (Andy)

 

During the now infamous pasting at Tetsworth CC in 2009, the home Skipper Andy Blenheim championed our cause with a typically West Indian grin throughout – though it could have been the effects of the 38 cans of Stella he consumed on the day. Recently snapped on camera at the Cricketers Arms off the Cowley Road.

 

 

clubglossaryaav

 

 

 

Blenheim Palace

 

Without doubt, Blenheim is the most regal of cricket grounds in Oxfordshire – if not one of the best of pitches in Oxfordshire. A match against Blenheim Park CC provides all the surroundings and scenery to make it a true highlight of any MAD fixtures calendar. However, after going back to the wrong pub for a post-match drink some years ago,  we haven’t been invited back. C’est la vie.

 

 

clubglossaryaaw

 

( Link to Match Report )

 

 

 

Blue Room (St Aldates Tavern)

 

Serial venue for many MAD AGMs, the Blue Room atop of the St. Aldates Tavern in the centre of town and is perfectly suited to small social gatherings. It has its own bar, a functioning kitchen, a projection monitor for endless Powerpoint presentations and resplendent views onto the Oxford streets below.

 

 

 

 

 

Blue Mountains

 

Irregular MAD antipodean, Mr A. G. Mann, now resides in the Blue Mountains of NSW, Australia. It does a fine line in bush fires, plane crashes and alien infestations. It also has a cricket team who are a bunch of joyless pricks (apparently).

 

 

http://aussieyoutoo.com/wp-content/uploads/2013/09/blue-mountains-jenolan-caves-with-caving-1674.jpg

 

 

 

Boars Hill

 

Oxford’s answer to Mulholland Drive, Boars Hill boasts roads (Foxcombe Road) with similar views to the famed American highway in a very particular English type of way. However, the area will always be synonymous with MAD player Dave Shorten – who took time out to thrust a flag in the soil and build his own home there. We salute you, Dave!

 

 

http://www.lucamazzocco.com/images/067T9278_RT8.jpg

 

 

 

Bodleian Fallout

 

With the release in 2018 of The MAD’s second book ‘Never at This Level’, a celebration of their twenty years of being, it seems their banter and ebullient fervour wasn’t quite reciprocated by the good fellows of the Bodleian (cricket team). Taking umbrage at the narrative after feeling slighted, The Bods declined to play The MAD going forwards as they felt “the team cannot take to the field in the spirit of good sportsmanship.” C’est la vie.

 

 

 

 

 

Bodyline

 

Synonymous with the infamous Ashes series of 1932-33, Jon Newman-Robson and Ian Howarth decided to re-enact this dangerous pastime whilst on Tour to Felixstowe in 2018. Amped up on Ribena (dark fruit Strongbow), our braindead heroes went at it for several overs before Howarth collapsed after being hit.

 

 

 

Bollocks

 

Whenever The MAD lose a game of cricket, the critique in the bar thereafter revolves around decisions made by the Skipper – rather than the individual failings of the team (of which there are no doubt plenty). His decisions are likened / compared to testicles (bollocks).

 

The word has Anglo Saxon origins and is used as an adjective to mean “poor quality” or “useless”.

 

 

 

 

 

Bologna, Italy

 

T20 specialist Nick Hill left these shores in 2017 to go teaching in Bologna. He is rumoured to still be alive with no horses’ heads thus far found on his bed.

 

 

 

 

 

Boonie’s Toast

 

After a tiring net session in 2006, OU Office batting star James Boon found his stomach didn’t agree with his pint. Bystanders were caught in the subsequent projectile attack – with Andrew Darley keeping this unfortunate piece of toast in his garage fridge for posterity.

 

 

 

 

 

Bovine Mascot

 

The battery powered Bovine Mascot made his debut in 2006 and was intended to perform a celebratory role every time Mr Westmoreland hoiked a ball to cow corner. Its little dance routine involved the cow opening its coat and mooing half a dozen times. The item is now thought sadly lost….

 

 

 

 

 

Bowlplex (Telford)

 

Gaudy, trite and full of unruly pissed up chavs on jugs of shocking lager – it’s your local Bowlplex, and the one to be found in f______ T______ has to be right up there with the very shittest ones on mother Earth.

 

 

 

 

 

Boxing

 

In the fall of 2017, lightweight Chris Williams collected hundreds of pounds off willing sponsors to have his face filled in at a white-collar boxing event. Unfortunately, in the run up to his charitable debut, his ribs were smashed to pieces after he was given some sparring against a fully blown heavyweight. Bout off.

 

 

 

 

 

Brasenose

 

After a year in the sporting wilderness (Kidlington), the Far from the MCC returned to central Oxford at the start of 2009. Following successful negotiations, their home games would now be played at Brasenose College Sports Ground. It certainly ticked all the right boxes when not underwater and also had a decent pub in spitting distance from the pavilion.

 

 

clubglossaryaau

 

 

 

Bridge

 

Who can forget the bridge that gives you access to the ground at Bridgetown CC in Minehead? Certainly, none of those who toured there in 2017.

 

 

 

 

 

Bridgetown CC

 

Who can forget the picturesque, slopey ground of Bridgetown CC in Minehead? Certainly, none of those who toured there in 2017.

 

 

 

 

 

British Gas (Centrica)

 

The corporate energy giant has been a fertile hunting ground for Mad recruitment in recent years. It seems everyone who works there (at the Cowley offices) seems to play cricket. If you don’t play cricket, you won’t get an interview. It’s that simple, or at least it appears that way. And long may it continue. Even if they are crippling our pockets with incessant price hikes over the winter months….

 

 

http://www.energyswitcheroo.com/assets/images/news/2013/british-gas-new-logo-.jpg

 

 

 

Broken (Nets)

 

Before the 2012 season had even gotten underway, Captain Mr Westmoreland, would declare nets officially “broken”. The unruly session came about in Martin’s absence, finding numerous bowlers trying to knock the heads off their counterparts with short pitch shite, and batsman who really should know better, trying to smash ceiling lights whilst slogging. The Sunday in question was a true half-mast day for MAD cricket in general.

 

 

 

 

 

Buffet (Bowling)

 

According to the Urban Dictionary, it’s “a bowler in cricket who is bowling deliveries that are easy to hit for runs. So named because in a buffet, you can take what you want in large amounts.”

 

The Mad have been serving up this type of shit for years, as the image below so perfectly illustrates….

 

 

clubglossaryx

 

( Link to Match Report )

 

 

Bullshit

 

Not a reference to the excrement which exits a male cow’s behind, but a term applied to most things that come out of Michael ‘Billy’ Clarke’s mouth (after numerous sherries at the bar). His propensity for exaggerating certain truths first became apparent on Tour in 2004.

 

 

clubglossaryo

 

 

 

Bumming

 

The use of the term “bumming” is a Lincolnshire saying passed on by club snob Steve Parkinson. It is an accurate critique of an absolute drubbing; “we [the team] were made to look like the other team’s bitches as we got resolutely tonked (smacked all over the bloody place). A right total bumming”.

 

 

 

( Link to Match Report )

 

 

 

Bunny

 

Bunny: also known as a Rabbit. A member of the side who cannot generally bat and is selected as a specialist bowler or wicketkeeper (or neither and generally just makes up the numbers for the team). It can also be used to describe a player who often gets out to one bowler in particular – Mike Atherton was Glenn McGrath's bunny.

 

 

http://www.cuded.com/wp-content/uploads/2013/06/2-Bunny-Picture.jpg

 

( Link to Inspectorate )

 

 

 

Butlins (Minehead)

 

Thinking you could simply walk into the place and pay up for pirate golf, the tour party of 2017 found themselves turned away at the gate having no day passes. Fuck Butlins.

 

 

 

 

 

Cake

 

Any fans of Radio 5 Live would be well acquainted with talk of delightful cakes and scones that light up the commentator’s box. The MAD have had their own culinary genius to thank for some of their superb exhibits from time to time – Kim Dobner (beaten housewife of Steve).

 

 

clubglossaryaac

 

 

 

Campervan

 

If you toured Somerset in 2005, how could you possibly forget Thornton Smith’s iconic campervan? A rickety death machine that doubled as a mobile scoreboard after rubber suction cups and plastic numbers were sourced from a nearby toy shop.

 

To complement the below image, we found The Dude (Antony Mann) hanging out.

 

 

clubglossaryh

 

( Link to Match Report )

 

 

 

CAMRA

 

Matt Bullock is chairman of The MAD and he is also chairman of Oxford CAMRA. Henceforth, the club are fairy ingrained in all things beer and cider.

 

 

http://www.sheffieldcamra.org.uk/wp-content/themes/sheffieldcamratwentythirteen/images/camra-logo.png

 

 

 

CAMRA Pub Crawl

 

With every Mad Tour comes a Matt Bullock enthused CAMRA pub crawl. Typically earmarked for the day off, a medium size troupe of sizzled tourists follow Warnie like a pack of sheep as he guides them to a succession of CAMRA endorsed watering holes. Some of which are even open for business.

 

 

 

 

 

Canada

 

The FFTMCC’s fourth female player, #120 Sandra Steinhauer, heralded from Canada. Boyfriend and Club hedonist Ian Leggate recently disappeared to this North American country to stalk her and eventually marry her.

 

 

 

 

 

Canterbury House

 

During the fateful Tour of Sidmouth in 2010, Mr. Hoskins’ party (of six) were served an invoice for their 3 day stay at the Canterbury House B&B. On there was a now legendary charge for the urination of a bed. Further to the charge was the below statement at the bottom of the invoice:

 

** - Please note that we are reserving the right to make any further compensation claims, depending upon what action (if any) needs to be taken to remove the urine smell from room 6, ready for further letting immediately from the 15th August, and any other consequential damage that may have been caused to the mattress.

 

 

clubmuseum17

 

 

 

Cape of Good Hope

 

Regular watering hole for Team MAD during the off season and during the season to be fair. The former landlady, Rachel Langley, would subsequently take over the Royal Oak on Woodstock Road whereby the team followed in lieu of sponsorship.

 

She left that pub too, and so did The MAD.

 

 

clubglossaryabu

 

 

 

Car Park

 

Exactly what you would opinion this term to describe – an area to park your car. However, due to an on-field altercation between one of the club’s resident Barrow Boys [who shall remain nameless] and a batsman from the OU Offices in 2006, the car parking area of Pembroke was proposed as an ideal location for sorting out the “problem”.

 

Happy to relay the situation was resolved in an adult fashion before anyone needed to move their cars [or cover their front teeth].

 

 

clubglossaryal

 

 

 

Cash Box

 

A familiar site post-match is Mike Reeves’ bulging bean box. Here he collects MAD cricketing taxes and plans his holidays to the USA by pilfering club funds largely unaudited – much like the EU.

 

 

 

 

 

Causeway

 

On Tour in 2013 in Weston-Super-Mare, Team MAD paraded their wares along the seafront causeway. Built sometime by somebody, it went some way to entertaining the players for a good few minutes.

 

 

 

 

 

Charity Shops

 

Full of junk that nobody really wants but can’t be bothered to dispose of at a recycling plant, charity shops are now a British institution. Having replaced decent retail outlets by the coast, club beatnik, Mr. T. P. W. Smith, can be seen pilfering through the vast mountains of shite in the hope of securing a bargain. He rarely does, but he has a lot of shite to sell on.

 

 

 

 

 

Cheese Boys

 

A common name banded about to describe our arch rivals Cholsey CC. It was derived during a match at the Cheesites’ home several years ago, where the cricket teas consisted of various types of cheese sandwiches, cheese and onion crisps and cheesecake for afters [good news if you’re a vegetarian]. Even the local boozer [the Red Lion] served up a variety of cheese dishes.

 

 

clubglossaryabl

 

( Link to Match Report )

 

 

 

Chemical Brothers

 

An amusing collective for MAD regulars Thornton Smith, Ian Howarth and the late (and great) Adrian J. Fisher, who in 2004 carried out extensive post-match research into an assortment of “chemicals” that could be procured from various social misfits.

 

 

zzAde2

 

( Link to Match Report )

 

 

 

Cheque (Giant)

 

This huge cheque*, or placard, was presented to Mr I. Howarth at the 2007 AGM for his winning of the Player of the Season award. Thought lost, it eventually turned up under his bed beneath some hardened cat shit. The cheque was last seen in a skip off the Abingdon Road.

 

 

clubmuseum18

 

( Link to 2007 AGM )

 

 

 

Cidre Bouché

 

As an award for the Champagne Moment of season 2005, Ian Howarth was presented with a bottle of French Cider at the AGM. The bottle of Cidre Bouché (4.5%) resided in a wall-mounted cupboard in his kitchen for several years, before the ungrateful cunt poured it down the sink after finding it to have “gone off”.

 

 

clubmuseum11

 

 

 

Cigarette Lighters

 

Fed up with Jake Hotson’s constant requests to borrow someone’s lighter whilst on Tour to Minehead in 2017, Andrew Darley finally broke and went to the nearest pound shop to buy him a couple of hundred.

 

 

 

 

 

Cigarette Lighter Domino Rally

 

Pissed up of the Friday evening on Tour to Minehead 2017, Russ Turner stole all of Jake’s lighters and delighted in creating a domino rally out of them at the quayside pub.

 

 

 

 

 

Clouds

 

Tall Bob has his head in them, whilst Mr Hoskins worships them. Clouds – a visible mass of liquid droplets suspended in the atmosphere above the surface of a planetary body. A little like Marmite, you either love or hate them.

 

 

 

 

 

Clueless

 

The informed opinion of everyone who witnessed Andrew Darley’s bow as MAD skipper on Tour at Stogumber in 2017. Re-organising the batting order and deciding in his infinite wisdom to open up with roommate, Jon Newman, the team immediately slumped to 12 for 6. Game fucking over.

 

 

 

( Link to Match Report )

 

 

 

Coach (Reynolds of Caister)

 

Whilst on Tour in Norfolk in 2012, Tour Organiser Ian Howarth persuaded the Treasurer (Mike Reeves) to part with £280 of club funds to commandeer a twenty-six seater coach to Saxlingham Nethergate (to play the Gents).

 

It was an unprecedented waste of money on a grandiose scale, with the coach less than half full including a Giant Duck. The journey was capped off by dropping the team off in the middle of nowhere in lieu of finding a pub near to the ground that didn’t exist anymore.

 

 

 

 

 

Coffin

 

Seemingly back in vogue, the familiar cricket coffin has suddenly made a reappearance after years in the sporting wilderness. The one pictured below belongs to Mr J. Newman-Robson and is self-indulgent beyond belief – so much so it boasts personalised ‘salad’ stickers and other assorted bollocks.

 

 

 

 

 

Cold

 

The coldest place on Mother Earth – Enstone CC. A joyous away trip at the start of the year where you get to see reindeer and father Christmas.

 

 

 

( Link to Match Report )

 

 

 

Collapse

 

The match situation in which many batsmen are dismissed in rapid succession for very few runs. The terms top order collapse or middle order collapse refer to batting collapses in a specific part of the batting order. With the Far from the MCC, however – they usually combine several specific collapses into one seismic all-encompassing collapse.

 

Examples are too many to list, but please find a suitable link below to a recent and pathetic example….

 

 

http://www.roughlydrafted.com/wp-content/uploads/2008/09/blogs-us-building-collapse-small.jpg

 

( Link to Match Report )

 

 

 

Concrete

 

The composite material that encases James Hoskins’ feet whenever he goes out and bats (i.e there is no foot movement whatsoever).

 

 

clubglossaryaab

 

 

 

Conference Centre

 

Balti Tower’s secret room of Tour 2016. So secret, it never gets cleaned – thus extremely handy when you leave (Travel) Duck there overnight. Unless Duck was there to keep an eye on a pissed-up opening batsman of course....

 

 

 

 

 

Cornwall

 

Forming the westernmost part of the south-west peninsula of the island of Great Britain, Cornwall is a beautiful and scenic area very popular with tourists. Unfortunately, if the weather is shit, then it’s not very good, as was the case when The Jude toured there back in 2002….

 

 

 

( Link to Captain's Log )

 

 

Cow

 

Nope, not a reference to cattle, but an ugly ‘hoik’ to leg which is commonplace in village cricket. This ignoramus of textbook elegance has been embraced by The Mad ever since their inception in 1998.

 

 

 

 

 

Cowley Marshes

 

The singularly most depressing of council pitches The MAD have ever been unfortunate to play on. Unloved, rugged and with feral kids running amok against a backdrop of graffiti splattered walls likening war to TERROR.iSM – the Cowley Marshes is a desperate option.

 

 

 

( Link to Match Report )

 

 

 

C___

 

The ‘C’ word – or “cunt” for those from another planet. It is a vulgar term for female genitalia, and is also used as a term of disparagement. Reflecting different national usages, cunt is described as “an unpleasant or stupid person”. Used extensively on and off the cricket pitch, it came into its own on Tour 2016 with the Fines Book being riddled with the word.

 

 

 

( Link to 2016 Tour Fines )

 

 

 

Cutteslowe Park

 

A world away from the detritus of Cowley Marshes, Cutteslowe Park offers up an excellent council ran cricket pitch and decent changing rooms. In summer the place is awash with happy kids and parents and little in the way of unruly yobs throwing bricks and bottles at you.

 

 

 

 

 

Dancing Injury

 

A phrase often brought up to describe people struggling with leg movement – or used to take the piss out of impaired opposition. It came about after an incident involving James Hoskins some many years ago (in a nightclub one would surmise). What the fuck he was doing that evening we have no idea….

 

For the record, James is always breaking his ankles. See below….

 

 

Ankle

 

 

 

Daniel Emlyn-Jones

 

A research microbiologist and author of numerous books on Amazon, Daniel somehow ended up on The MAD email list during the 2018 campaign. Initially amused by the banter and rhetoric, it soon became tiresome and Danny asked to be removed. But as we all know so very well, that’s as easy as said than done once the original email had split into several other threads. In the end, T20 Skipper David Shorten copped the blame and in doing so reprimanded the team for being childish.

 

 

Image result for daniel emlyn-jones

 

 

 

Darley’s Bunny

 

Ian Howarth has always been rumoured to be Andrew Darley’s bunny – on the pitch or in the nets. See “Bunny” for further details.

 

 

clubglossaryj

 

 

 

Darcy Russell

 

Following Russ Turner’s keeping against Appleton in 2018, Andrew Darley was quick to praise him on email by stating “Turner kept wicket exceptionally, dancing elegantly around behind the stumps and thus earning himself a new nickname of ‘Darcy Russell’.

 

 

Image result for darcy russell

 

 

 

Dark Fruit (Strongbow)

 

The poison of choice whilst on Tour to Felixstowe in 2018. Likened to Ribena, this tainted cider was drunk by the gallons to keep hydrated. Before , during and after games.

 

 

 

Dark Thoughts

 

An attribute (and fine), that was often levied against the club’s antipodean novelist, Antony G. Mann. He was often caught “staring” at players during the course of match and it is thought that many of these individuals contributed to the characters in Antony’s published (dark) short stories.

 

 

clubglossaryaag

 

 

 

Deck Chair(s)

 

Brasenose College Sports Ground is synonymous with its aged and striped deck chairs to be found in the antiquated pavilion. In summer months these restive, classic antiques transform the boundary into quintessential seaside affair.

 

 

 

 

 

Deep Slip

 

A position in the field somewhere deep behind the slip cordon. It was first coined back in the day by Jake Hotson – and was then subsequently stolen by the excellent Sky Sports commentary team (avoiding copyright).

 

 

 

 

 

Dew Drop Inn

 

Reopened and rebranded in 2016, The Dew Drop has served as a watering hole for Team MAD since the early days. The pub’s close proximity to the cricket grounds at Jordan Hill and Cutteslowe Park has made it an ideal pre and post-match venue.

 

 

Image result for dew drop inn oxford

 

 

Diamond

 

A “diamond duck” – a batsman who is ran out without facing a ball. Idiots dismissed in this fashion for Team MAD include Dave “Diamond” Emerson and Ian Leggate (pictured below). It is an exclusive and much revered club.

 

 

clubglossaryaas

 

( Link to Match Report )

 

 

 

Diarrhoea

 

Several players are usually afflicted by bad guts during a MAD Tour. Consecutive days imbibing oneself with beer and shitty fast food render the individual bog ridden for hours at a time. Ian Howarth is prize example, although his toiletry dependency is more a result of eating hot curries and scotch bonnet pizzas.

 

 

 

 

 

Dicking

 

The use of the term “dicking” isn’t in any way a reference to sexual shenanigans. It is often used by cricketers in answer to the question of “how did you get on today, ole chap?” Well, if one’s day consisted of getting a complete hiding / stuffing / massacring / tonking / whalloping / bumming etc… you kinda get the drift.

 

 

 

 

An excellent recent example of a “dicking” can be found by perusing the link below….

 

( Link to Match Report )

 

 

 

Dobner Clause

 

Back in 2006, Steve Dobner claimed he was “too poor to play” and that the resultant post-match fines were making his decision to represent The MAD “unsustainable”. As a directive, it was decreed by the Fines Committee that anyone currently unemployed could claim “insolvency” (the Dobner Clause) and thus only be expected to pay a flat £1 fine whenever their fines exceeded that total.

 

 

Clubglossarys

 

 

 

Dog Shit

 

A bilingual term to describe a MAD player’s abject batting (a far too common occurrence) and also a reference to the substance walked through a B&B whilst on Tour to Weston-super-Mare in 2013 by Ian Howarth.

 

 

http://edge.liveleak.com/80281E/s/s/20/media20/2013/Jun/12/LiveLeak-dot-com-6e288aa3c40a-dog-shit.jpg.resized.jpg?d5e8cc8eccfb6039332f41f6249e92b06c91b4db65f5e99818bade974d46dad25e7b&ec_rate=230

 

 

 

Doggett (Gary)

 

Wootton & Bladon’s cavemanesque glovesman and batsman. The whimsical Gary is held together by bandage tape and glue and brings a certain brutality to batting that Gilbert Jessup could only have dreamt of.

 

 

 

( Link to Match Report )

 

 

 

Dorchester-on-Thames

 

Back in 2004, the Far from the Madding Crowd (as the team were then known) contested a timed and moribund affair against Dorchester-on-Thames. The only highlight, if you can call it that, was watching Thornton Smith pick magic mushrooms in the outfield. Needless to say the fixture was not continued.

 

 

 

( Link to Match Report )

 

 

 

Dots

 

A dot in a scorebook denotes a ball which has not been scored off. Dan Edwards’ innings for The MAD are (were) synonymous with dot balls and lots of them. Dan loved dots and dots loved him. His team mates are less enamoured. 

 

 

 

 

 

Doughnuts

 

A term first coined by Oxford’s joy-riding community in the early 90s. A period in which they used to scream stolen cars in circles in Blackbird Leys, filling the night air with the smell of burning rubber and oily smoke.

 

Fast forward to June 11, 2006 and club stalwart, Matt Bullock, was seen “pulling a doughnut” in his TVR after enduring an insipid defeat to Milton CC. Fortunately, Matt was exiting the adjacent field and not the actual cricket pitch.

 

 

clubglossaryau

 

 

 

Drone

 

In 2018, James arrived on Tour to Felixstowe with his pet drone. His first act of flying was to navigate it into a tree to spend the next hour retrieving it.

 

 

 

Duck

 

Nobody is quite sure where Duck came into being, he just did – although James Hoskins claims he bought him at a motorway service station on Tour in 2009. Wherever the toy came from, Duck has cemented himself at the very heart of The MAD’s mascot fraternity. In his short term with the club, he has been drowned in lager at the Rose Bowl in Hampshire, soaked up several pints of cider at the Folly Bridge Pub in Oxford, chewed to a pulp by Joe Puppy and been on several MAD Tours. He is now rumoured to be lost and David Emerson knows nothing about it.

 

 

 

 

 

Duck(s)

 

Nope, not the mascot who is called “Duck”, but the registering of a “duck”. A batsman who is dismissed without scoring and out for nought. The FFTMCC are quite obsessed with ducks and ducks are obsessed with them.

 

Go to the “Records” section of the website to find a fascinating page relating solely to… er, ducks.

 

 

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Dude

 

Dude, in the prescriptive sense, can refer to both men and women. After Antony G. Mann (who is/was often likened to “The Dude” from The Big Lebowski) forgot to include an “s” at the end of the word in a group circular – the term could thus be applied to a group of Madsters.  i.e  a dude of MAD.

 

 

 

 

 

Duggers

 

Duggers by name and Helen Dugdale by deed poll. Duggers was synonymous with The MAD’s nemesis, the now defunct OU Office team. She scored for them, organised their fixtures, supported them, washed their whites, collated their statistics, massaged their egos.

 

 

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Helen is still available for contract should a club require a cricketing servant of the highest possible calibre.

 

 

Duke of Wellington (Minehead)

 

If getting shitfaced on the cheap is the order of the day, then having an evening/night out at Wetherspoons’ gloriously endorsed watering hole in Minehead ticks all the right boxes. It also has a back room which doubles as a godawful nightclub for Russ Turner to pull some shapes.

 

 

 

 

 

Dumb and Dumber

 

Somehow, Jon Newman-Robson and roommate Andrew Darley were nicknamed Dumb and Dumber on Tour in 2017. Opening the batting at Stogumber and contributing two ducks towards 12 for 6 certainly didn’t help.

 

Hobbs and Sutcliffe they most definitely were not.

 

 

 

Dummer

 

The term can easily be used to describe some of the shot selection of MAD batsmen, but in actual fact it relates to the indoor cricketing facilities at the Dummer Cricket Centre in Basingstoke. The Far from the MCC have used these facilities on numerous occasions under the false assumption it might improve their game.

 

It didn’t, though Howarth had a good argument with one of the batting coaches.

 

 

https://seriouscricket.co.uk/static/asset/54941d690ce61.jpg

 

 

 

Dunkery Beacon Hotel

 

The Dunkery Beacon Hotel in Minehead, served as hotelier for the Touring MAD from 2003 to 2005. A ramshackle, but cosy building cut into the picturesque Somerset hills, it holds many wonderful memories for the team – even if other guests would probably rather forget….

 

The hotel was bought and modernised some years ago and now boasts a la carte evening menus and a Fine Wine list.

 

 

clubglossaryaj

 

 

 

Duntisbourne Abbotts

 

A village and civil parish located in Gloucestershire that forms part of the Cotswold District. Former opposition the Nomads of Swindon often hosted cricket matches here.

 

 

 

( Link to Match Report )

 

 

 

Dwile Flonking

 

The pastime of dwile flonking (also dwyle flunking) involves two teams, each taking a turn to dance around the other while attempting to avoid a beer-soaked dwile [cloth] thrown by the non-dancing team. It is prevalent in Norfolk and whilst on Tour there in 2012, The Mad were promised some ‘Flonking’ by the Saxlingham Gents [cricket team]. Alas, this never came to pass, but the ridiculous game remains in Mad psyche.

 

 

http://www.edp24.co.uk/polopoly_fs/db_dwile_flonking_02_1_1479172!image/1171215350.jpg_gen/derivatives/landscape_630/1171215350.jpg

 

 

 

Eastbourne

 

The FFTMCC toured the south coastal town of Eastbourne in 2007. It was a riotous success, despite the off-colour weather – and there was hardly a whiff of piss in the air (old people). Organiser James Hoskins even orchestrated an air show to keep the Tourists amused – super stuff.

 

 

clubglossaryag

 

 

 

ECB Coaching Course Certificate – Level 1

 

Proof positive that some of the Far from the MCC are actually qualified to ECB Level One coaching standards, or at least James Dunne Hoskins is. Note the certificate covered and stained by a red wine spillage, which is very apt.

 

 

clubmuseum4

 

 

 

Eco Toilet

 

A waterless toilet existing in the jungle behind Reach CC’s cricket ground. This composting turd hut was used by the team on Tour in 2018, when all other options were given up.

 

 

 

 

 

EGM

 

Things got so bad in the results department in 2011, that an Emergency General Meeting was called halfway through the season to shore up confidence for the then beleaguered MAD skipper, Mr M. T. Westmoreland.

 

In total The MAD lost a staggering 13 consecutive games, which included a humbling reverse in the rain to the Bodleian in a T20.

 

 

 

( Link to Match Report )

 

 

 

Electricians

 

A common name given to historical opposition R. T. Harris. Their team apparently consisted of sparkies (electricians) who worked for the company, although a random head count would never throw up more than two employees, probably due to the number of East Oxford CC players in their ranks.

 

 

 

( Link to Match Report )

 

 

 

eLighters

 

An electronic fag, vape or nicotine delivery system is a battery-powered vaporizer which simulates the feeling of smoking, but without tobacco combustion. It’s a gimmick obviously, and several of the team have bought into it.

 

 

 

 

 

E-mail List

 

“Once you get on, you can never get off.” A quote that sums up the Far from the MCC’s notorious team e-mail list(s). Since its inception back in the day, this list has morphed and transformed into many varied, hybrid bastard versions – each seemingly belonging to a different player of the team past and present. So even if you want to get yourself removed from one list, you’re fairly guaranteed to be on another….

 

New recruits are now warned in advance of heavy Club spamming and advised to use a Hotmail address.

 

 

 

 

 

Emblem

 

An excellent job by Russ Turner’s printing press in 2017 to produce Touring Emblem’s to give away to various hosts.

 

 

 

Estonia

 

A reference to Enstone CC following a trip there at the start of 2013 to play one of the coldest games of cricket ever known. It is doubtful the temperature got much above freezing, but with the wind chill applied, it was desperate. See “Cold”.

 

 

 

 

 

Exercise(s)

 

In recent years, some of The MAD team have taken to pre-game warm up exercises in addition to drinking alcohol. Whether the two go hand in hand is open to debate.

 

 

 

 

 

Extreme

 

Since Paddy Mellor was sworn in as Fines Chairman, nearly every fine’s tariff was doubled on being “extreme”. Extreme frowning, extreme sighing, extreme smugness and extreme… well, anything really.

 

Rather than being indicted for being an officious prick, Paddy was instead championed by the Treasurer for raising ‘essential’ fines income for the Club. 

 

 

 

 

 

Fantasy Cricket

 

MAD Fantasy Cricket was the brainchild of James Hoskins and dates back to 2006. Using mysterious convoluted formulas based on previous seasons successes and failures, JMO’s competition runs every season and has now become almost as important as the cricket itself (at least you have a chance of winning).

 

 

 

 

 

Far from the Madding Crowd

 

Revered home pub and sponsor to the club after it was opened by Posthumous Club Patron, Noel P. Reilly, back in the summer of 2002. Located in the centre of Oxford it became the sister pub to the Jude Obscure in nearby Jericho.

 

The club became nomadic (the No-Mad) after deciding to leave the establishment in the fall of 2004.

 

 

pub4

 

 

Sadly the pub closed at the start of 2015 after being deemed by the landlord as “no longer economically viable”. It has since reopened after becoming a Caribbean restaurant.

 

( Link to Match Report )

 

 

 

Fat Boys

 

An amusing nickname given to our arch-rivals and good friends from Wootton & Bladon CC. It was noted several years ago that various members of the opposition were ample of the gut and most rounded at the waist. Over the years, we’re happy to relay that some of these (more) portly gentlemen have been replaced in kind.

 

 

ClubGlossaryv

 

( Link to Match Report )

 

 

 

Felixstowe

 

A seaside town in Suffolk and location of the sun-baked MAD Tour of 2018. The Port of Felixstowe is the largest container port in the UK (apparently).

 

 

 

( Link to 2018 Tour Ratings )

 

 

Female Weightlifters

 

Due to the quite shocking weather which serenaded the Tour of 2008 to South Wales (The Mumbles), the tourists found themselves camped on a daily basis within the four walls of the local pubs. Fortunately, the Beijing Olympics was on – so attention and betting was immediately focused on the female weightlifting competition.

 

Fuck knows who won it (the competition that is)… though probably the Chinese….

 

 

http://bestmoviesevernews.com/wp-content/uploads/2012/08/miss-january-female-weightlifter2.jpg

 

 

 

Fennel

 

A vegetable, bulbous in shape, which is rumoured to give good luck to the team utilising it. Prior to a match a ritual is performed to see if it can be inserted into the wicket, such as by Nick Hebbes in 2003 whilst on Tour to Minehead, Somerset.

 

 

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( Link to Match Report )

 

 

 

Fennel Brothers

 

A collective for Steve and Nick Hebbes who were to introduce the bizarre fennel ritual to The MAD back in 2003. See “Fennel” for further details.

 

 

ClubGlossaryao

 

 

 

Fir Tree

 

The Fir Tree pub on the Iffley Road, Oxford, has hosted a few of The MAD AGM’s in previous years. It was a rather cramped affair in the back room, but nonetheless did a serviceable job. Beer, food, landlord and regulars are all good.

 

 

http://s0.geograph.org.uk/geophotos/03/69/39/3693921_ab17f23f.jpg

 

 

 

First Aid Kit

 

The MAD first aid kit is a joke. In fact, it has always been a joke. Only recently has a nondescript see-through envelope made way for a small handled bag, containing, erm… a few paracetamols and some torn and bloodstained bandages. Worse: Ian Howarth is the designated First Aider….

 

 

 

 

 

Fish n’ Chips

 

Due to club’s fixation with touring close to the coast, the staple diet has always been a fish n’ chips frenzy whilst perched on a harbour wall.

 

Exceptions to this rule are vegetarians who eat pizza (perched on a harbour wall), and the trip to f______ T______ in 2014 where there was no fucking harbour wall.

 

 

 

 

 

 

Flares

 

Club hipster and fashion guru, Jake Hotson, is often seen showcasing a groovy pair of white flares for his cricketing histrionics. Yeah, no idea why.

 

 

 

 

 

Folly Bridge

 

Due to its close proximity to Brasenose and Pembroke College Sports Ground, the Folly Bridge pub has always been a regular to The MAD since back in the day.

 

 

clubglossaryabw

 

 

Recently the pub was renamed to “The White House” and serves up banging dub-step music to accompany any OAP meal offers.

 

 

 

Fountain Court Hotel

 

The aforementioned hotel did the team just fine on their Tour down to Hythe, Hampshire in 2015 and 2016. Extremely reasonable rates underpinned a friendly bar, decent pool table, darts board and SKY coverage of England giving the Aussies a good pasting in the Ashes. What more could you possibly ask for? A bed – for Mr Shorten’s dog? Done.

 

See “Balti Towers” for further details.

 

 

 

 

 

Friendly Cup

 

The FFTMCC were invited to participate in the Friendly Cup for the first time in 2016. They have subsequently made two finals whereby losing to the  OCCSCC by 49 runs and Moreton CC by considerably more than that.

 

The cup has been running for some thirty years.

 

 

 

 

 

Frisbeer

 

The game of “Frisbeer” came about in season 2010 when a group of MAD cricketers, bored with sitting pitch side and doing fuck all, decided on trying to knock over some stacked beer cans with a Frisbee (hence its name). The game (if it can be called that) was underwritten on Tour of the same year as being part of the “Madolymps”.

 

 

clubglossaryabj

 

 

 

“FUUUUCCCCCCCCCCKKKKKK!!!!!”

 

Whoops – some butter fingered incompetent has just dropped a catch….

 

 

 

 

 

“Fucking hell….”

 

Popular cricketing outburst which is never broadcast by the SKY having been picked up on their stump-microphone. Typical examples include a fuck up in the field, losing the toss, a demoralising defeat, or accompany a meltdown whilst alone in the changing rooms….

 

 

 

 

 

“Fuckin’ ell, Geoff!!!”

 

An audible exclamation which usually accompanies the latest fielding fiasco by doddery Geoff Carter.

 

 

 

 

 

“Fuckin’ ell, George!!!”

 

An audible exclamation which usually accompanies the latest fielding fiasco by doddery George Carter.

 

 

 

 

 

“Fuckin’ ell, Godfrey!!!”

 

An audible exclamation which usually accompanies the latest fielding fiasco by doddery Godfrey Carter.

 

 

 

 

 

“Fuck ‘em”

 

We not that concerned about the opposition’s point of view concerning that run out / LBW decision.

 

“Fuck it.”

 

A common post match analytical comment which accompanies any inquest or post mortem into the latest MAD defeat.

 

 

 

“Fuck me.”

 

Head in hands, back in the changing rooms, the grim realisation of what a shit innings you played for The MAD comes home to roost….

 

 

 

“[Oh] fuck off!”

 

The typical vocal reaction from a MAD batsman at difference to an adverse LBW decision awarded against him [read plumb and generally sanctioned by a member of his own team].

 

 

“Fuck Sake!”

 

Evenly split between batsmen, bowlers and fielders of The MAD, this common vocal utterance can be heard at regular intervals following moments of non-glory and ineptitude.

 

 

 

 

 

F______ T______

 

Telford is a god accursed shithole from hell that unfortunately became venue to a MAD Tour in 2014, after Shrewsbury defaulted. Nobody was to blame, but Mr P. A. S. Mellor was involved….

 

 

 

 

 

“Fuck this….”

 

We’ve all been there – another crushingly, mortifying day of total underachievement and non-fulfilment on the field of dreams. Right now, you couldn’t give a shit and can’t even contemplate playing this fucking game again….

 

 

 

Fucking Horrendous

 

We’ve all had bad matches where things don’t go according to plan. Jon Newman-Robson saved his worst performance for his Tour debut to Minehead. He bagged a golden duck opening up, fielded like a cock and then returned bowling figures of 0.1-0-5-0.

 

 

 

 

 

 

“[No] fucking way….”

 

Despite numerous failings at this most frustrating of sports, you’ve done it again – gone and fucked it right up. You wouldn’t believe it….

 

 

 

 

 

“Fuck You You Fucking Fuck!” Sticker

 

The Fuck You You Fucking Fuck sticker was proudly displayed by former MAD skipper Ian Howarth on his bat in the game against Dorchester in 2005 (a gift from his friend and teammate Thornton Smith). It was silent sledging of such wit and cleverness that, after a bad-tempered game which they lost by five wickets, The MAD were never invited back, and never wanted to go anyway. The sticker ended up in a mouldy old kit bag and was eventually discovered by Ant Mann’s 9-yr old son Zac in their attic in Cricket Road, and now resides on the inside cover of the folder used by Ant to keep all his old cricket crap.

 

 

clubmuseuma

 

 

 

“Fuck your fish n’ chips!”

 

Reserved exclusively for the vegetarian members of any MAD Touring party, this curt response is a reaction to suggestions that everyone head to the fish and chip shop by the seafront.

 

 

 

 

 

Fruit Inspector

 

Ahh, the blessed “Fruit Inspector”. A mysterious character who came into [fruit]ion in the summer of 2005 – after penning a short report to accompany the main h’orderve. It kick-started a now familiar tradition of occasional supplementary critiques to accompany the match report itself.

 

 

clubglossaryq

 

( Link to Inspectorate )

 

 

 

“Gavel it!”

 

A common saying at the Fines Committee just before closing a player’s appropriated fines – and therefore saving him / her any further fiscal misery. A wooden gavel or bat mallet is then sounded on the (pub) table to signal this.

 

 

 

 

 

 

George

 

Another George, this time unrelated to the other George (Carter) who doesn’t really exist. “George” appeared on Tour in Hampshire in 2015 – guesting in two matches for The MAD, one whilst under the influence at Hythe & Dibden CC, and the other with a hangover at Trojans CC the following day.

 

 

 

( Link to Match Report )

 

 

 

German First Aid Kit

 

A classic first aid kit, as supplied by Mr N. J. Hebbes to satisfy the needs of the club. The kit was only called upon once – for Jake Hotson’s infamous kettle injury in 2004. Not only did the kit fail to contain anything useful for said emergency, but no-one knew what anything was used for, because all the documentation was in, er… German. Thanks, Nick – a truly great investment.

 

 

clubmuseum3

 

 

 

Giant Duck

 

Back in 2012, Giant Duck was plucked from a charity shop in Truro, Cornwall, by his adopted father Ian Howarth. Aside from becoming the bona fide team mascot, he spends most of his time staring at other drivers on the A34 as Ian zips to and from work each week.

 

 

clubmuseum28

 

 

 

Gilbert

 

Rarely seen schizophrenic brother of one Geoff C. Carter. He can also play cricket, but turns his hand to occasional off spin.

 

 

 

 

 

Gimp Mask

 

A relatively new innovation in cricket, the Club invested in a Wicketkeeper Face Protector in an attempt to eliminate the chances of death to Mr J. C. W. Hotson whenever he deputises behind the stumps. Thought to allow a greater field of vision than a regular cricket helmet, the item has thus far proved to be successful.

 

 

clubmuseum29

 

 

 

Glass Cock

 

A Minehead CC tradition is to have a member of a visiting touring team consume a whole glass cock of cider (in one). The cock and attached ball sack contain approximately three whole pints, so it’s a tough fucking ask. Unless you’re Mike Ashley that is.

 

 

 

 

 

Gold

 

A form of currency. Also, the song du jour in Tour 2016 for serenading the assorted pond life at Balti Towers before they head up to their (our?) rooms.

 

 

 

 

 

Golden Duck

 

Securing yourself a golden duck is a time-honoured tradition for all MAD batsmen. One innings, one ball, no runs, goodnight Vienna. It’s what we strive for. No fucking about.

 

 

 

( Link to Match Report )

 

 

 

Golf Ball (Tiger Woods)

 

Rumour has it that while The MAD touring party were destroying the undergrowth at the pitch and putt in f______ T______, Tiger Woods was also there trying to regain some form. This must explain how a golf ball sailed over Jake Hotson’s head as members of the team walked through the adjacent car park, heading back to the Holiday Inn. Well, it definitely wasn't thrown by someone who had nicked it from the aforementioned course earlier. Certainly not. Oh, no no no....

 

 

 

 

 

Gonzo’s Bog Seat

 

Ian Leggate’s legendary “bog seat” made its debut with the Day 1 Skipper during the Tour of Southsea in 2011. Hanging around his neck much like rap star Flavor Flav did with a large clock in the 90s – Gonzo strutted his stuff around Hayling Island and even avoided getting his head kicked in by the local Portsmouth football fans. Amazingly, the seat managed to make it back to Oxford in one piece; where for the punitive cost of 50p you can take a shit through it at Gonzo’s house.

 

 

clubmuseum20

 

 

 

“Good for you.”

 

During one lunch time on Tour to Norfolk in 2012, Dan Edwards expressed his desire to stand-in skipper for the day, Mike Reeves, to open the batting. “Good for you” replied Mike. Dan assumed this meant he was a shoe-in at number one. Fast forward to the start of the game and a fully padded up Dan was duly informed he would be batting at number eight. Subsequently, Dan left the club and Mike has never skippered again.

 

The term is now employed to shatter hopes, thwart ambition and generally not give a fuck about another’s request or opinion.

 

 

 

 

 

Grassy Knoll

 

Situated opposite the clubhouse at Hythe & Dibden CC is a grassy knoll. It is a perfect vantage point to slump and fall asleep after an entire day on the piss and the connoisseur’s choice for George n’ Lennie.

 

 

 

Gray Nicholls Kit Bag

 

Home to the club’s stinking and decrepit kit for a period of time that nobody can quite remember, this particular lot was flogged at the 2011 AGM’s Kit Auction to Club Chairman, Matt Bullock for £22.00. It is presumed he was quite pissed at the time – or certainly was when he woke up in the morning to find it in his house.

 

 

clubmuseum25

 

 

 

Great Yarmouth

 

Views expressed by MAD players whilst on Tour in 2012 would suggest there is little “great” about Great Yarmouth. It reminded us all of Didcot-on-Sea – a fictional and distinctly believable shit-hole by the sea somewhere in our imagination. God help us all….

 

 

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Green Helmet

 

For many years the players of the Far from the MCC bemoaned the absence of a team helmet, particularly when playing cricket on shit tracks such as Cowley Marshes. It was not that they didn’t possess a helmet, it’s just that nobody quite knew where it had gone. They remembered it as being green and they remembered Antony Mann had last used it – something he strenuously denied. Fast forward to the dying embers of 2008 and whilst clearing his house for a move back down under, Ant would rediscover said item nestling amongst other assorted crap in his attic. So he did have it, and he had it all the time – the lying bastard. It was eventually sold at an AGM auction (see below) and now belongs to Mr T. P. W. Smith (subsequently lost).

 

 

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Green ink

 

Following Mr R. P. Turner’s selfless act of producing a batch of laminated 2014 Fixture Cards for the club, he received little in the way of praise, but plenty in the way of criticism for going to press after the first six games.

 

During that spell, The MAD failed to win a match, thus the result section was all coloured in red [lost]. His teammates subsequently bitched on and on whilst fining Russ for having no green [won] ink at his printing press.

 

 

 

 

 

Grubber

 

A ball delivered by the bowler which bounces unusually low and is difficult for the batsman to play. See “Oops Ball” for further details.

 

What else do you want to see? A fucking worm?

 

 

http://slg.naturalstrategies.com.au/media/news_images/worm_happy_cartoon.jpe

 

 

 

Haircut

 

Most people get their hair cut at a barbers or hairdressers, but in James Hoskins, The MAD have their own match day, maverick stylist of the barnet (often frequented by Jake Hotson – see below).

 

 

 

 

Hairy Dog

 

Minehead’s premier sports bar and de facto rendezvous point for anyone looking for a good fist fight in the evening. The Hairy Dog has it all – cheap booze, cheap burgers, cheap women and a nice run on locals who will rearrange your front teeth. It catered for The MAD in 2017.

 

 

 

 

 

Hangover

 

A common ailment which hampers nearly every Far from the MCC performance.

 

 

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( Link to Match Report )

 

 

 

Harry

 

Step grandson to Ian Howarth, little Harry attends the odd MAD game now and again and is blamed every time for Howarth’s subsequent shambles on the field.

 

 

 

 

 

Harrys Cider

 

A local tipple to be quaffed on the West Somerset Railway. It can be sourced in the buffet wagon and gets you adroitly to that happy place in life called “Pissed”.

 

 

 

( Link to Match Report )

 

 

Hat Lore

 

Hat Lore originated a good few seasons ago when people started Bowling With a Hat or Bowling Without a Hat. There was also a team who made their worst player of the previous week wear a (pink) hat on that day (which the MAD would parody on Tour in 2007).

 

Hats have always been an integral topic of MAD conversation ever since – that’s just how fucking interesting a bunch we are….

 

 

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Hat Thief

 

The “Hat Thief” is still shrouded in mystery. It dates back to 2004 when several players reported having their hats stolen (and pretty much throughout the season of 2005). The culprit remains anonymous to this day, although suspicions as to whom he or she was are still rife….

 

 

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Hawaii

 

After complaining about his knees and a chronic lack of cricket in 2018, Mike Reeves booked a three-week holiday to Hawaii during the hottest June on record.

 

 

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Hawaiian Shirt

 

On the epochal Tour of Southsea in 2011, Ian ‘Gonzo’ Leggate became synonymous as much for his ruinous and button lacking Hawaiian shirts as he did for his ‘bog seat’ medallion.

 

A trend setter? Ha ha ha

 

 

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HDF

 

An acronym for ‘Hythe & Dibden Friday’. The first day proper of MAD Tours to Hampshire where the team get to spend an entire day on the piss before contesting a 25 over match in the evening against the local cricket team. It’s a total assault of the senses and several MAD troops have been gone MIA (missing in action).

 

 

 

 

 

Height

 

The Far from the MCC are obsessed with height. Among their playing staff – who is the tallest? Who is the shortest? Does it really fucking matter? Apparently so….

 

On Tour in Norfolk in 2012, the Tourists arranged a team photo in [Saxlingham] Nethergate to rule on the issue. Strangely some guy labelled “Tall Bob” was tallest and some short cunt on the end was….

 

 

 

 

 

“Help yourself.”

 

A term mumbled among cynical team mates to the opposition batsmen whenever Mr R. P. Turner is brought onto bowl.

 

 

 

Hendrick’s Gin

 

A Scottish gin produced by William Grant & Sons that became the shot of choice for Touring team Hendrick’s XI. The FFTMCC hosted the affable Warwick University graduates in 2016 and 2017.

 

 

 

( Link to Match Report )

 

 

 

Henman (Tim)

 

Successful British tennis player who never won Wimbledon. Tim Henman lives adjacent to the South Oxford, Astons CC ground – regular opponent of the Far from the MCC.

 

 

http://www.menstennisforums.com/photos/data/508/7866542henman.jpg

 

 

 

Hernia

 

In 2011, Ian Howarth suffered a much lauded inguinal hernia which was credited for his resurgence in batting form. It was agreed that the ‘Hernia’ had scored the gamut of runs (including his ton on Tour) and that Ian was simply shit. There were no dissenters to this conclusion.

 

 

 

 

 

Hernia Kit

 

Ian Howarth’s hernia problems in 2011 caused ripples of amusement for his team mates throughout that season. Despite Ian’s obvious discomfort and concerns regarding his own welfare, his dad saw a solution to the problem by spending some of his retirement putting together this excellent DIY kit for Christmas. Who says parents don’t love their sons?

 

 

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Hogging the Game

 

Occasionally a player in The MAD ranks has one of those days where he is involved in everything. Runs, wickets, catches… you name it, he / she is involved in it, and are levied at the Fines Committee for ‘hogging the game’.

 

In 2007, a trophy would be introduced at the AGM to celebrate a player scooping all 3 x MAD match awards: MOTM, Champagne and Buffet. Mr. Reeves was the inaugural winner of the trophy, but since a photograph of said trophy (now lost) isn’t forthcoming, here’s a hog….

 

 

http://primetexasranches.com/huntinghog.com/wp-content/uploads/2009/06/hog-hunting-information-about-hogs-01.jpg

 

( Link to Match Report )

 

 

 

Hoick

 

A common saying to describe an agricultural heave across the stumps. See “Moo” for further details.

 

 

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Holiday Inn

 

Bombed out of their lodgings whilst on Tour to f______ T______ in 2014, The MAD where forced into desperate measures… staying en masse at a Holiday Inn.

 

 

 

 

 

Holland

 

Back in 2005, the Far from the MCC hosted a match in Cholsey against Dutch tourists – Rood en Wit XI.

 

 

 

( Link to Match Report )

 

 

 

Honey

 

Nope, that a term of endearment passed to one’s missus, but a seemingly never-ending story concerning Dave Shorten’s fixation with the stuff (honey), and his loss (a tub) thereof on Tour in The Mumbles in 2008. Mummy Shorten apparently owns some bees and makes it. And jolly nice it is too.

 

 

http://cappellettistudio.com/wp-content/uploads/2011/08/image.jpg

 

Hoodies

 

Club ‘hoodies’ came into being before the start of the 2011 season. Popular and fashionable with the team, these items come in any colour as long as you like ‘blue’.

 

 

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Howard Jones

 

Pop star of the 1980s who shared his name with The Jude Obscure’s player #019. Or was it the other way round?!

 

 

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Hythe (and Dibden)

 

Located in Hampshire, close to the shore of Southampton Water, the local cricket team hosted the FFTMCC in the summer of 2015 in a tied 25 over match.

 

 

 

( Link to Match Report )

 

 

Ice Cream Van

 

On Tour in 2004, a ridiculous idea was conceived to buy an ice cream van and use it for team transportation. The thinking was it could double as both a mobile scoreboard (after painting one side black), and provide excellent storage space for cooling the copious amounts of alcohol the team would consume. Naturally this plan never came to fruition, but copious amounts of Natch cider were drunk whilst devising the plan.

 

 

http://www.mrwhippy.co.uk/images/gallery/new2005.jpg

 

 

 

Insect Bite

 

Poor Matt Bullock suffered a horrendous insect bite whilst on Tour to Minehead in 2017. Thought to be of tsetse fly origins, the bite soon blistered to epic proportions before amputation became the only life saving option.

 

 

 

 

 

Insipid

 

One of the worst innings in MAD history was orchestrated by Geoff Carter at Cholsey in 2017. His accumulation of 3 off 47 balls somehow provided the rock for victory in a Friendly Cup match, although we struggle to recall him actually hitting anything.

 

 

 

( Link to Match Report )

 

 

Inspector Gadget

 

A name which was attributed to OU Office player Chris Heron. Back in season 2005, he miraculously caught MAD batsman Martin Westmoreland following a gravity defying leap, somehow plucking the ball one-handed from the heavens, before crashing back to mother Earth.

 

 

 

( Link to Match Report )

 

 

 

Invisible

 

Messrs Hadfield and Darley – who each and every year announce they are going to be a permanent fixture in The MAD team – or at least be more, er… prominent. To be quite honest, you’re likely to see more kids at a Gary Glitter concert.

 

 

http://www.uncommonthought.com/mtblog/linked_files/InvisibleMan.jpg

 

 

 

“It’s all about you.”

 

Another classic phrase stolen from gardener Dan Edwards – and embraced by the team ever since. It evolved out of Dan’s regular pep-talks to fellow batsmen awaiting a bat. Now everything is all about everyone and it’s all about us.

 

 

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