Far from the MCC

~ Est. in 1998 ~

 

 

“Champagne Conclusion

 

 

Match:  16 / 402

Won by 15 runs

 

 

Team

 

Total

FFTMCC

220 - 8

I. Howarth  53*,  J. Pearson  40

 

Pylewell Park CC

205 - 7

I. Howarth  2 - 12,  D. Shorten  2 - 18

 

 

 

 

Creaking bodies, sore heads, one last push for Day 4 of Tour. Assembling outside Balti Towers for one final time, Mr Reeves has already been criticised for having a “private” breakfast before driving over Giant Duck and Ian Howarth’s kit bag. With time at a premium, Sunday cricket’s finest ensemble decides to disassemble in Lymington, opting for a quiet pint at the harbour front rather than a shit-kicking down the Nelson.

 

Nearby tables empty quickly at the Ship Inn as the team talk candidly about Mr Robert’s bowels and a pecking order for shitting in the only available toilet. Those in queue after Mr R. P. Turner decide to hermetically seal for the day. A forgotten fines book is perhaps a good thing, with most lunchtime diners in this affluent and picturesque port town probably not that enthused in hearing the word “cunt” banded about for 20 or so minutes.

 

 

 

Blackout juice (Prosecco) – a new MAD favourite.

 

On arrival at Pylewell Park, overhead clouds are soon blown away and Sunday’s match will be played out under rich blue skies and a sapping heat. A defibrillation unit is immediately administered to OAP Geoff Carter in the vein hope he is able to conduct his duties as Skipper for the day and the requisite winning of the toss. He would succeed with the first criteria, not the second; however the genial hosts decide on chasing some leather anyway, for whatever reason that may be. Sado-masochists?

 

A delayed hangover is blamed for a quite wretched day that is experienced by The MAD’s marquee signing, Mr. L. G. Ainsworth. Disinterested in cashing in on a decent if slowish track with a lightning fast outfield, he fucks about at the crease and is castled for a 5 ball duck. Fucking around far less, Mr Pearson (40) is ably assisted by some pleasing tonking from M Bullock (22) and customary pulling from R. P. Turner (33) – whose efforts in guiding a wide on to his stumps is acknowledged as being in the higher echelons of shit dismissals of the day.

 

 

 

Ainsworth (batting) making a fluent 0 off 5 balls.

 

After audibly criticising the run rate before discarding a bottle of Prosecco, a bristling D. Shorten enters the fray, swinging wildly across a straight one to leave for a second ball duck. As regards the cocktail of alcohol and sport, we believe the penny may have dropped for Dave. MAD now limping on 126-5 (26 ovs).

 

Averaging a derisory 7.33 on Tour thus far, Mr Howarth’s discordant mind and body finally click into some sort of rhythm to help oversee a MAD lower order that plunders 94 runs off the final 9 overs. Amidst this maelstrom of tonking mayhem, Howarth (53*) helps himself to 10 boundaries, Timms (12) chips in before chipping out (rib-ticklingly funny), Reeves whacks 19 off just 8 balls, Hoskins clubs 10 off 6 balls, with messrs Roberts (9*) and Skipper Carter (1*) swinging from the hip and somehow avoiding running themselves out.

 

 

 

Chairman Bullock (batting) on the tonk.

 

Tea tastes great with 220 runs in the bank, but then tea always tastes great if you’re called Russell Paul Turner. With members of both teams scrambling around for resultant crumbs, the confines of a fascinating old thatched pavilion are studied by The MAD. Time for a quick wallow in sadness that this pub team with no pub don’t have their own home….

 

In reply, Pylewell remain glued to the run-rate worm as I. Robertson (35) and M. Doe (34) send the ball flying into the distance. Roberts (4-0-21-0) is off-key, much like his backside, but Hoskins (7-1-36-2) seems unaffected by his new love of Prosecco. Plumbing new depths of alcoholically afflicted incompetence, Mr Ainsworth (3-0-25-0) buffets up, whilst Mr Pearson (5-0-35-1) is far more assured from the same end.

 

The home side’s march for victory is now checked by D. Shorten (7-4-18-2), who to the casual observer now appears to have shaken off the psychoactive, fizzy intoxication of the French bubbles that were orbiting his brain. Reeves’ (5-0-33-0) knees somehow get through 5 overs whilst his team mates grimace with his every delivery – all leaving Pylewell requiring 31 runs off the final 3 overs.

 

 

 

 

The game is firmly in the balance, with young H. Vaughan (38) displaying a talent that will surely make him a star in years to come. He swats Timms (2-0-12-0) into a cornfield before the defining moment arrives – driving Howarth (2-0-12-2) like a rapier missile to Mr Turner at mid-off. Swiftly calculating he is unable to get out the way, Turner clasps onto the ball before it rearranges his sunburnt face, and with it, Pylewell hopes die.

 

A weary but elated MAD now encircle the scorebook, carrying out the usual popularist voting scheme, hereby awarding accolades to the least deserving. JMO then alerts everyone to a dwindling stock of Prosecco, and thus the fridge is emptied – as is Howarth’s wallet. But if we can make a toast at the end of such a great match and great Tour, then can we all please raise a glass of Prosecco to Mr Chris Todd?

 

Chris, who notched a robust 27 against The MAD in 2015, sadly fell foul to the ills of nature a few weeks ago, reminding us all that cricket is – and only ever will be – simply a game.

 

 

 

 

Here’s to you, Mr Todd – and on behalf of the Far from the MCC, may I say your cricket club has done you proud on both our visits to Pylewell Park. Should they ever they wish to Tour the fields of Oxfordshire in the coming years they will be warmly received.

 

 

Third Test update: Day Five, Edgbaston – England 297 & 445-6, Pakistan 400 & 201. England won by 141 runs.

 

 

‘Spam’

 

 

 

 

 

*

 

 

Statto Scorecards

 

 

 

Far from the MCC versus Pylewell Park CC

Played at Pylewell Park, 7 August 2016

 

Pylewell Park CC won the toss and elected to field

Far from the MCC won by 15 runs

 

Far from the MCC debuts:  none

 

 

16 / 402

 

 

 

 

 

35 over match

 

 

 

Team

Far from the MCC

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

#

 

Batsman

How Out

Total

Balls

4s

6s

FOW

1

L. G. Ainsworth

b Kennedy

0

(5)

-

-

1-0

2

M. Bullock

st Robertson b A. Vaughan

22

(36)

2

-

2-44

3

J. W. Pearson

c and b A. Vaughan

40

(58)

5

-

3-83

4

R. P. Turner

b A. Vaughan

33

(39)

3

-

5-125

5

D. Shorten

b A. Vaughan

0

(2)

-

-

4-83

6

I. Howarth

retired

53

(41)

10

-

-

7

G. J. Timms

c Doe b Gibson

12

(13)

1

-

6-151

8

M. K. Reeves

b Smith

19

(8)

3

1

7-182

9

J. D. Hoskins

st Robertson b Russell

10

(6)

1

-

8-207

10

C. D. Roberts

not out

9

(6)

1

-

-

11

G. Carter *†

not out

1

(1)

-

-

-

 

Extras

NB5, W8, LB2, B6

21

 

 

 

 

 

TOTAL

(for 8 wickets, 35 overs)

220

 

 

 

 

 

 

#

 

Bowler

Overs

Maidens

Runs

Wkts

 

1

Kennedy

7

5

7

1

 

2

Russell

3

0

24

1

 

3

Smith

6

0

41

1

 

4

A. Vaughan

7

0

44

4

 

5

H. Vaughan

5

0

34

0

 

6

Gibson

4

0

38

1

 

7

Creed

3

0

23

0

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

Note:  I. Howarth retired at 206-7 (33.4 overs)

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

Team

Pylewell Park CC

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

#

 

Batsman

How Out

Total

Balls

4s

6s

FOW

1

A. Russell

b Hoskins

6

(13)

1

-

1-25

2

I. Robertson †

c Pearson b Hoskins

35

(41)

7

-

2-55

3

C. Mills

lbw b Shorten

9

(30)

-

-

3-85

4

M. Doe

b Pearson

34

(28)

6

-

5-136

5

S. Smith

lbw b Shorten

0

(3)

-

-

4-85

6

G. Kennedy *

run out (Pearson/Timms)

38

(56)

6

-

5-180

7

H. Vaughan

c Turner b Howarth

38

(24)

4

1

6-190

8

J. Creed

b Howarth

1

(8)

-

-

7-204

9

G. Gibson

not out

11

(6)

1

-

-

10

B. Fraser

not out

1

(2)

-

-

-

11

A. Vaughan

 

 

 

-

-

-

 

Extras

NB1, W15, LB8, B8

32

 

 

 

 

 

TOTAL

(for 7 wickets, 35 overs)

205

 

 

 

 

 

 

#

 

Bowler

Overs

Maidens

Runs

Wkts

 

1

Roberts

4

0

21

0

 

2

Hoskins

7

1

36

2

 

3

Shorten

7

4

18

2

 

4

Ainsworth

3

0

25

0

 

5

Pearson

5

0

35

1

 

6

Reeves

5

0

33

0

 

7

Timms

2

0

12

0

 

8

Howarth

2

0

12

2

 

 

 

 

 

MOTM:  J. W. Pearson

Champagne Moment:  R. P. Turner’s catch of H. Vaughan near end of match

Buffet Award:  L. G. Ainsworth’s roast salmon with hasselback potatoes

 

 

Opposition:  V084 / 02

Ground:  G076 / 02

Captain:  C025 / 01