Far from the MCC

~ Est. in 1998 ~

 

 

“FFTMCC 0 Portchester 2

 

 

Match:  11 / 251

Lost by 5 runs

 

 

Team

 

Total

Portchester CC

223 - 9

D. Emerson  3 - 28,  J. Pearson  2 - 21

 

FFTMCC

218

J. Collins  94,  D. Edwards  43

 

 

 

 

Portchester CC had been shown how Far from the MCC enjoy their cricket in their previous two encounters, and duly took the lead by arriving at the Queen’s Head in Horspath an hour before it opened.  After it was established that the game was due to start at 1pm rather than 1.30pm when it nevertheless did, stumps and bails had been scrabbled for because apparently the council don’t provide them here, and the toss had been won by the Portchester skipper who sensibly elected to bat in the absence of any team mates, the opening batsmen were called upon to down their pints and rum chasers and get the fuck over here.

 

 

 

The Portchester skipper [left] searches for brain cells after a night on the piss….

 

 

Taking advantage of the tiny ground, J. Neal [12] slapped J. Pearson [3-0-21-2] back over his head for a couple of sixes, one being palmed over the bar, before slicing one to the one-handed Hoskins at cover who forgot he wasn’t holding a beer can in his other hand as he was in the warm-up.  After D. Edwards had declined the slip position on the grounds that “nothing ever comes to me at slip”, S. Dobner began what is probably the best slip performance The MAD has ever known, taking a sharp catch to dismiss N. Kelly [5] off D. Emerson at the other end.

 

After some sledging, P. Hungerford [2] did get off the mark but couldn’t repeat the match-winning batting performance that only home turf seems to bring.  His brother, L. Hungerford [85] did rather better, ably assisted by J. Young [29], also superbly caught by Dobner at slip, this time off C. Roberts [4-0-37-1], and D. Kennell [31] who was eventually run out by Hoskins in bizarre fashion.  Afterwards, Hoskins said: “I heard the call of ‘bowler’s end’, but I didn’t think I could throw it that far!”  Indeed, the ball barely made it, and Kennell could have done.

 

 

 

T. Smith gives out some coaching tips to The MAD Youf.

 

 

J. Hoskins [8-0-26-0], T. Smith [8-0-36-0] and D. Edwards [5-0-26-0] all bowled economically and with aplomb but will never get recognition for such performances as they didn’t take a wicket between them – just ask Darley, or Stevie P.  D. Emerson [7-2-28-3] got the bonus ball at 1st team skipper S. O’Neill who’d been ribbed for his defensive batting so chose a switch hit first ball, to much hilarity.  They all count.

 

With tea approaching, hors d'oeuvres were provided by J. Collins’ [2-0-15-0] pâté on toast and S. Dobner’s [3-0-23-1] Tesco Value vol-au-vents, much to the appetite of D. Kelly [20*].  The target of 224 would be a record winning score for The MAD, and equal their best losing score, though of course it wouldn’t be a losing score….

 

 

 

J. Collins (batting) made a welcome return to the fold.

 

 

For dessert, D. Pitcher [4-0-47-2] opened up a full patisserie.  J. Collins immediately helped himself to several large slices of Black Forest Gateau.  However, the selection on offer wasn’t to everyone’s liking.  J. Pearson [12] opted for the fruit cake and an almond tart, before failing to keep a second slice of fruit cake down, whilst J. Hotson [3] chose only mini-rolls until one mini-rolled.  D. Edwards asked for the roast lamb, only to be told: “This is a patisserie.”  At the other end however, S. O’Neill’s [6-1-19-0] cake shop had bare shelves.

 

To Edwards’ delight, the carvery was soon opened by D. O’Neill [8-1-37-1] and B. Restall [3-0-24-0], though the former’s excess of gravy eventually got the better of Edwards [43].  Incoming batsmen S. Dobner [0] and I. Leggate [0] were to their disappointment greeted only by the calorie-counting N. Kiely [4-0-12-2].

 

 

 

Hardly the Real Madrid subs bench….

 

 

It is worth pointing out that a league match was taking place on the adjoining pitch, and reiterating that the boundaries were small.  Collins had already endangered an umpire in the other game with one of his sixes, and P. Hungerford now coming on to bowl found he had to reduce his run up so as not to obstruct (or be obstructed by) any of the fielders in that game.

 

The MAD needed 82 off 16 overs with 5 wickets in hand.  “Game on,” was the general musing from the assembled Portchester crowd, whilst The MAD crowd knew about their collapses and made no comment.  With the Hungerford brothers working in tandem, M. Westmoreland [10] kept Collins company for some time, then C. Roberts [0] didn’t.  Collins’ [94] bat (not actually his…) had begun to sound as awful as a kindergarten percussion section, but that didn’t stop him posting a few more boundaries before he finally fell to L. Hungerford [5-0-19-2], as did T. Smith [2].

 

 

 

Lack of footage means another photo of Collins – this time on the pull….

 

 

It was then left to J. Hoskins and D. Emerson to knock off the remaining 26 runs for victory without either of them being out, still at about 5 per over.  Pastry chef D. Kelly [2-0-24-0] had been brought on at one end, and suddenly overs weren’t a problem.  With The MAD needing six for victory, P. Hungerford [6.1-0-28-3] returned, and the next ball it was all over.  Emerson [10] had been cleaned up, leaving Hoskins [24*] stranded.

 

A good, fun game and another close one against our recently found friends.  Off to the pub for Portchester’s Tour fines at the standard rate of £5 per player whatever the list of misdemeanours: apparently some ‘gay’ dancing the previous night, and the misspelling of ‘Porchester’ in the scorebook, amongst others too numerous to recall.

 

 

‘Judge Dredd’

 

 

 

 

 

*

 

 

Statto Scorecards

 

 

 

Far from the MCC versus Portchester CC

Played at Horspath Road, 3 September 2011

 

Portchester CC won the toss and elected to bat

Portchester CC won by 5 runs

 

Far from the MCC debuts:  none

 

 

11 / 251

 

 

 

 

 

40 over match

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

Team

Portchester CC

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

#

 

Batsman

How Out

Total

Balls

4s

6s

FOW

1

J. Jeal

c Hoskins b Pearson

12

 

-

2

1-14

2

N. Kiely

c Dobner b Emerson

5

 

1

-

 

3

J. Young

c Dobner b Roberts

29

 

3

-

4-78

4

P. Hungerford

b Pearson

2

 

-

-

 

5

L. Hungerford

c and b Emerson

85

 

10

-

 

6

D. Kennell

run out (Hoskins)

31

 

2

-

 

7

D. O’Neill

run out (Pearson)

6

 

-

-

7-212

8

D. Kelly

not out

20

 

3

-

-

9

B. Restall

c Westmoreland b Dobner

3

 

-

-

8-220

10

S. O’Neill

b Emerson

0

 

-

-

 

11

D. Pitcher

not out

1

 

-

-

-

 

Extras

(NB1, W18, LB8, B2)

29

 

 

 

 

 

TOTAL

(for 9 wickets, 40 overs)

223

 

 

 

 

 

 

#

 

Bowler

Overs

Maidens

Runs

Wkts

 

1

Emerson

7

2

28

3

 

2

Pearson

3

0

21

2

 

3

Hoskins

8

0

26

0

 

4

Roberts

4

0

37

1

 

5

Smith

8

0

36

0

 

6

Edwards

5

0

26

0

 

7

Collins

2

0

15

0

 

8

Dobner

3

0

23

1

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

Team

Far from the MCC

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

#

 

Batsman

How Out

Total

Balls

4s

6s

FOW

1

J. W. Pearson

c Young b Pitcher

12

(17)

3

-

1-36

2

J. Collins

b L. Hungerford

94

(93)

15

2

8-190

3

J. C. W. Hotson +

b Pitcher

3

(12)

-

-

2-53

4

D. M. Edwards

b O’Neill

43

(39)

7

1

3-135

5

S. L. P. Dobner

b Kiely

0

(7)

-

-

4-138

6

I. C. Leggate

c P. Hungerford b Kiely

0

(3)

-

-

5-141

7

M. T. Westmoreland *

c S. O’Neill b P. Hungerford

10

(18)

1

-

6-171

8

C. D. Roberts

b P. Hungerford

0

(2)

-

-

7-171

9

J. D. Hoskins

not out

25

(29)

4

-

-

10

T. P. W. Smith

c P. Hungerford b L. Hungerford

2

(4)

-

-

9-198

11

D. Emerson

b P. Hungerford

10

(7)

-

1

10-218

 

Extras

(NB3, W8, LB1, B7)

19

 

 

 

 

 

TOTAL

(all out, 38.1 overs)

218

 

 

 

 

 

 

#

 

Bowler

Overs

Maidens

Runs

Wkts

 

1

Pitcher

4

0

47

2

 

2

S. O’Neill

6

1

19

0

 

3

D. O’Neill

8

1

37

1

 

4

Restall

3

0

24

0

 

5

Kiely

4

0

12

2

 

6

P. Hungerford

6.1

0

28

3

 

7

L. Hungerford

5

0

19

2

 

8

Kelly

2

0

24

0

 

 

 

 

 

MOTM:  J. Collins

Champagne Moment:  J. D. Hoskins’ direct run out

Buffet Award:  C. D. Roberts’ treacle sponge pudding (with double cream)

 

 

Opposition:  V062 / 03

Ground:  G002 / 05

Captain:  C011 / 60