Far from the MCC

~ Est. in 1998 ~

 

 

“A Jerk in the Time Space Continuum Dissects Match Report
And Delays Howarth’s Sizzling Century Celebrations”

 

 

Match:  07 / 145

Lost by 5 wkts

 

 

Team

 

Total

FFTMCC

174 - 8

I. Howarth  112,  J. Hoskins  16

 

Wootton & Boars Hill CC

175 - 5

A. Fisher  2 - 21

 

 

 

 

SNAP

 

2007aug12b

 

Morler’s would be asked to judge James’ match report on its poetic content.

 

Life of a coin

 

1998: Minted - 50p - not your copper crap

Future ahead of me

Visions of Grandeur - maybe I’d make up that .99 of an Aston Martin Vantage

Or a house even

Everyone needs the .99

1999: Used as change in a pier-side fruit machine in Blackpool

Stacked

For Years

In a tube

A plastic tube

2003: Won by a Chav – Jackpot I will have you know

2003: Used by a Chav buying RIZLA papers in Tesco

2003: Some Barrow Boy “Change this up love, playing pool with the lads tonight”

Never even made it to the pool table

It cost a quid

Spent Four Years on a bedside table

A Pine bedside table

2007: “We need more baby puree – grab some change – there, on the table, we can get it on the way to the game”

It cost a quid

“Who’s got a coin? And it better be lucky”

Tossed

Weeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeee – life at last

Blood rushing to my Queen’s head

Crash to the ground

How can ‘I’ be wrong – it wasn’t my fault?

Thrown

Into a wood

Near a railway line

Awaiting climate change, global warming, planetary meltdown and rebirth of the human race – 20,000 years or so – ho hum

 

Stacked, Spent, Changed, Tossed, Unused, Discarded, Waiting

 

It’s tough being a coin – it wasn’t even MY fault.

 

Rate that, Morlers.

 

 

2007Aug12a

 

I. Howarth practices his forward defensive.

 

SNAP

 

[Coin]

The toss was won, for a change. Still waiting. On my own.

 

SNAP

 

[Howarth]

I’m sure I must be near

Titanick and I put on 56 (N. Hebbes fine display of leg sweeps 12) and I didn’t hang about

Hoskers came in, and despite facing the Shoab of Wootton and Boars Hill he actually played some half decent shots (J. Hoskins 16)

I didn’t hang about

Did they clap the fifty. Shit, am I even on fifty?

I’m not bloody asking. The cunts will only fine me.

 

SNAP

 

[Bullock]

Hmmmm… there might be something odd here

I don’t know what he’s on – hold on

Was that a bye?

 

SNAP

 

[Edwards]

Duck, bowled by Crapper

This is gonna cost. (D. Edwards 0)

 

SNAP

 

[Bullock]

I love keeping wicket

Not quite sure what happened with the scoring

Note to self – check out CAMRA pubs in Eastbourne

I don’t know what Spam is on – too late now.

 

 

2007aug12c

 

D. Edwards (right) tallies up his runs for the day….

 

SNAP

 

[Howarth]

Sod ‘em

99

97

50

42

15

Can’t even be bothered to clap – CUNTS! (I. Howarth 112)

 

[Carter]

Well I didn’t actually think I’d get a bat with Edwards and Howarth at the crease

I hope my car is still there. (G. Carter 7)

 

[Fisher]

Bowler Fisher? Fisher Bowler? Batter Fisher? Fish Batter?

Whichever way I look at it, it’s a fine

Self importance

Self importance

Self importance

I invented it

Live the dream. (A. Fisher 11*)

 

[Clarke]

Great

Two games

Two days

One weekend

One run

But I took a wicket yesterday

Castled – did I tell you? (M. Clarke 0)

 

[Bullock]

It was a bye

I don’t even like scoring. (M. Bullock 1)

 

[Morley]

It’s like the red arrows round here. (A. Morley 0)

 

 

2007aug12d

 

M. Clarke de-pads after a mammoth contribution to The Mad innings.

 

SNAP

 

[Kev]

Ode to the red onion

 

Red onions are cool

Red onions rule

Red onions go with everything

Red onions make my heart sing

 

Was I just Kevved?

 

SNAP

 

[Shorten]

Twenty bloody nine batting number nine

What more do I have to do?

Bang bang bang bang bang bang

Nice lines nice legs nice bounce nice pace

Bang bang bang bang bang bang

Nice lines nice legs nice hangtime nice pace

Bang bang bang bang bang bang

Nice legs nice length nice pace

Bang bang bang bang bang bang

Nice maiden

Bang bang bang bang bang bang

Nice over

Again

Bang bang bang bang bang bang

Nice

Bang bang bang bang bang bang

No wicket

Where’s the justice?

Nice forest. (D. Shorten 7-1-24-0)

 

[Clarke]

Sheeeeeeeet opening bowler?

Nick’s not the only one that thinks you’re kidding

Pharp

I took a wicket yesterday – did I tell you? (M. Clarke 5.4-0-45-0)

 

 

2007aug12e

 

A. Fisher found it relatively easy to hit a static floating ball.

 

SNAP

 

[Edwards]

Spell

Caster

Kazoom. (D. Edwards 5-0-30-1)

 

SNAP

 

[Benisek]

This game is cool

Nobody told me the ball would be spinning

When do I bat?

 

[All]

I wish their opener would stop hitting the bloody ball so hard

And into SPACES. (D. Wiskin 95)

 

SNAP

 

“We can now go back to the pub as losers, or we can go back to the pub later as winners”

 

Fuck, I so wanted to win after that.

 

[Ball]

Can’t these idiots’ catch?

 

[Hebbes]

Consistent

Consistent

Consistent

Maybe I’m spending too much time in Germany? (N. Hebbes 4-0-19-1)

 

[Fisher]

Lure him in

Lure him in

Lure him in

HOWZAT – OUT? OUT? Out? Are you serious…. HA HA (A. Fisher 4-0-21-2)

 

 

2007aug12f

 

A shame Ian’s ton was only witnessed by a handful of Mad and a smelly black dog.

 

[Changing room]

Phrases

Lost?

Like tears

In rain

Apart from the low batting score despite a remarkable century,

The bad fielding with eight dropped catches,

And the comedy fielding,

We should have won that game.

 

SNAP

 

In another Universe

 

We did.

 

 

‘Hoskers’

 

 

 

 

 

*

 

 

Statto Scorecards

 

 

 

Far from the MCC versus Wootton & Boars Hill CC

Played at Pembroke College, 12 August 2007

 

Far from the MCC won the toss and elected to bat

Wootton & Boars Hill CC won by 5 wkts

 

Far from the MCC debuts:  none

 

 

07 / 145

 

 

 

 

 

35 over match

 

 

 

Team

Far from the MCC

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

#

 

Batsman

How Out

Total

Balls

4s

6s

FOW

1

I. Howarth *

c Hallet b Rogers

112

(104)

18

1

4-157

2

N. J. Hebbes

b P. Wiskin

12

(38)

1

-

1-56

3

J. D. Hoskins

b Fisher

16

(21)

2

-

2-126

4

D. M. Edwards

b Crapper

0

(3)

-

-

3-132

5

G. Carter

b Fisher

7

(9)

1

-

5-163

6

A. J. Fisher

not out

11

(19)

2

-

-

7

M. D. Clarke

c P. Wiskin b Ryder

0

(5)

-

-

6-165

8

M. Bullock +

c Crapper b Rogers

2

(8)

-

-

7-167

9

A. Morley

c P. Wiskin b Ryder

0

(3)

-

-

8-174

10

P. Benisek

 

 

 

 

 

 

11

D. Shorten

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

Extras

(W7, LB4, B3)

14

 

 

 

 

 

TOTAL

(for 8 wickets, 35 overs)

174

 

 

 

 

 

 

#

 

Bowler

Overs

Maidens

Runs

Wkts

 

1

Spillsbury

4

1

14

0

 

2

Gelly

4

0

23

0

 

3

M. Wiskin

6

1

31

0

 

4

P. Wiskin

4

0

13

1

 

5

Fisher

6

1

36

2

 

6

Crapper

4

0

26

1

 

7

Rogers

4

1

15

2

 

8

Ryder

3

1

8

2

 

 

 

 

Team

Wootton & Boars Hill CC

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

#

 

Batsman

How Out

Total

Balls

4s

6s

FOW

1

P. Wiskin *

c Edwards b Fisher

95

 

 

 

4-148

2

G. Crapper

c Shorten b Hebbes

17

 

 

 

1-70

3

D. Spillsbury

b Hoskins

4

 

 

 

2-86

4

S. Pethick +

b Edwards

7

 

 

 

3-107

5

J. Fisher

not out

15

 

 

 

-

6

J. Rogers

lbw b Fisher

1

 

 

 

5-155

7

A. Hallet

not out

13

 

 

 

-

8

S. Gelly

 

 

 

 

 

 

9

O. Abbot

 

 

 

 

 

 

10

M. Wiskin

 

 

 

 

 

 

11

Ryder

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

Extras

(NB6, W10, LB3, B4)

23

 

 

 

 

 

TOTAL

(for 5 wickets, 32.4 overs)

175

 

 

 

 

 

 

#

 

Bowler

Overs

Maidens

Runs

Wkts

 

1

Shorten

7

1

24

0

 

2

Clarke

5.4

0

45

0

 

3

Hebbes

4

0

19

1

 

4

Hoskins

7

1

30

1

 

5

Edwards

5

0

30

1

 

6

Fisher

4

0

21

2

 

 

 

 

 

MOTM:  I. Howarth

Champagne Moment:  I. Howarth’s century [to no applause]

Buffet Award:  M. D. Clarke’s Peking roast duck (in Szechwan sauce)

                           

 

Opposition:  V039 / 03

Ground:  G011 / 48

Captain:  C007 / 30

 

 

 

 

 

Match Fines