Far from the MCC

~ Est. in 1998 ~

 

 

“Dietary Factors Blamed for Unexpected Mad Loss”

 

 

Match:  03 / 073

Lost by 5 wkts

 

 

Team

 

Total

FFTMCCC

150

N. Hebbes  38,  M. Westmoreland  35

 

R. T. Harris

152 - 5

A. Mann  2 - 17,  B. Mander  2 - 32

 

 

 

 

Respected dieticians and health authorities were today demanding a return to a more traditional teatime repast, after a rogue tea was blamed for the lacklustre display in the field which led to yet another unexpected Mad loss. “Experimentation is all very well, but no sandwiches??” said passing nutritionist Ronald McDonald. “It kinda makes you want to say, just get forked.” Others were not so diplomatic. “Where are the sodding fucking sandwiches?” cried several passersbys as they saw the teas being laid out on a sodding tartan plastic sheet between innings. “And no hot beverages? Call that a fucking tea?” “Those chocolate bars and crisps won’t give you much energy, you stupid twats!” called out some of the younger children riding past on their freaking bikes. “Try eating healthy foods, a balanced diet will also help you fatter guys over there lose some weight! How can you even play cricket with a gut like that???”

 

 

372F0047

 

Cutteslowe was bathed in more 2003 sunshine for the match.

 

A fair question, and one that deserves an answer. And yet, the Mad batting display was nothing if not creditable. Despite losing I. Howarth (0) earlier than he might have liked due to unaccountable sobriety on the stand-in captain’s part, and T. Smith (9) due to an unfortunate calling mix-up which saw N. Hebbes unfortunately call, doughty top-scorer Hebbes (38) (for it was he) and a rejuvenated M. Westmoreland (35) took the score on to 81 and never looked like getting out until Westmoreland was dismissed (note to editorial staff  – check, have I used this gag before?) – to a freak rebound off the R. T. Harris ‘keeper which saw both stumps and partnership broken. A. Mann (10), B. Mander (14), N. Howarth (14) and M. Bullock (7) all contributed in what might well have been quick succession, although J. Hotson (0) did not. Ultimately, D. Jones (0 n.o.) was left stranded as S. Hebbes (1) sprinted past him on the final ball only to see himself run-out sacrificing his wicket but not his self-respect for the greater good.

 

 

372F0048

 

Martin (35) should have got a hundred on this day, but he didn’t.

 

Defending a chunky 150, the Mad were set for certain victory, their attack primed to smash through the R. T. Harris (that’s right, the local electricians) resistance with majestic ease, and there was little doubt in the outcome had not the lack of complex carbohydrates found in sandwich bread taken its toll. It didn’t help either that the visitors had helped themselves to most of the bananas, thus scoffing down the only healthy alternative on offer. The short-term energy boost found in chocolate cakes and orange cordial got opening bowlers D. Jones (0-46) and N. Howarth (0-13) off to a good start, but wickets were at a premium, and as the Mad tired, R. T. Harris took charge. Wickets did fall, but frankly less than the required number, and with the afternoon sun on the wane and weary families straggling past after a day in the park, R. T. Harris eased themselves towards the target, achieving the win with eight overs to spare. Though bagging a brace and taking a fine catch off a superbly-judged full toss, A. Mann (2-17) bowled a patchy spell, troubling the batsmen only spasmodically, while S. Hebbes (1-28) and B. Mander (2-32) could do little to stem the tide. It was left to skipper I. Howarth (0-13) to bravely venture the last over and get tonked for his troubles.

 

A match, then, not so much the one that got away, as the one that slid imperceptibly out of sight, even as, watching from afar, Madsters craning towards the dusky horizon murmured, there it is, there it is, no wait, oh, it’s gone…

 

 

372F0044

 

Nick (38) should have got a hundred on this day, but he didn’t either.

 

And yet, in defeat, the Mad were able to distinguish themselves a little. With the game as good as over, J. Hotson had the nous to experiment with radical new fielding techniques, throwing the ball up in the air to himself instead of returning it to M. Bullock behind the stumps. And at the last, A. Mann at mid-off, attempted a catch without the use of his hands at all, instead employing his custom-crafted stomach to cushion the ball into his flesh, where it sat tantalisingly for a moment before falling to the ground.*

 

There it is, there it is, no wait, oh, it’s gone. Sandwich, anyone?

 

* – If a way can be found to combine these two techniques, somehow using the stomach to hurl the ball straight up into the sky and self-field, then in the return match next year, the Mad might reasonably expect to reverse the outcome.

 

 

‘Blocker’

 

 

 

 

 

*

 

 

Statto Scorecards

 

 

 

Far from the Madding Crowd CC versus R. T. Harris

Played at Cutteslowe Park, 27 July 2003

 

Far from the Madding Crowd CC won the toss and elected to bat

R. T. Harris won by 5 wkts

 

Far from the MCC debuts:  Neil Howarth (081)

 

 

03 / 073

 

 

 

 

 

35 over match

 

 

 

Team

Far from the Madding Crowd CC

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

#

 

Batsman

How Out

Total

Balls

4s

6s

FOW

1

I. Howarth *

b Tappin

0

(2)

-

-

1-0

2

N. J. Hebbes

c and b Farooq

38

(78)

4

-

6-122

3

T. P. W. Smith

run out

9

(17)

1

-

2-15

4

M. T. Westmoreland

st Rana b Allsworth

35

(46)

5

-

3-81

5

A. G. Mann

b Farooq

10

(26)

1

-

4-97

6

B. J. Mander

c and b Bradley

14

(21)

3

-

5-121

7

J. Hotson

b Farooq

0

(1)

-

-

7-123

8

N. Howarth

b Tappin

14

(8)

2

-

8-141

9

M. Bullock +

st Rana b Bradley

7

(7)

1

-

9-149

10

D. L. Jones

not out

0

(3)

-

-

-

11

S. Hebbes

run out

1

(1)

-

-

10-150

 

Extras

(W16, B2, LB4)

22

 

 

 

 

 

TOTAL

(all out, 35 overs)

150

 

 

 

 

 

 

#

 

Bowler

Overs

Maidens

Runs

Wkts

 

1

Tappin

6

3

8

2

 

2

A. S. Dogar

5

0

26

0

 

3

A. K. Dogar

4

0

24

0

 

4

Allsworth

6

0

31

1

 

5

Faradoon

6

2

13

0

 

6

Farooq

5

0

17

3

 

7

Bradley

3

0

26

2

 

 

 

 

Team

R. T. Harris

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

#

 

Batsman

How Out

Total

Balls

4s

6s

FOW

1

Reading

lbw b S. Hebbes

17

 

 

 

2-45

2

Nadeem

c and b Mann

17

 

 

 

1-41

3

S. Rana

c N. Hebbes b Mann

18

 

 

 

3-76

4

R. Rana

st Bullock b Mander

49

 

 

 

5-134

5

P. Bradley

c Westmoreland b Mander

0

 

 

 

4-77

6

J. Farooq

not out

31

 

 

 

-

7

Tappin

not out

0

 

 

 

-

8

A.S. Dogar

 

 

 

 

 

 

9

A.K. Dogar

 

 

 

 

 

 

10

A. Faradoon

 

 

 

 

 

 

11

R. Allsworth *

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

Extras

(NB5, W12, B1, LB2)

20

 

 

 

 

 

TOTAL

(for 5 wickets, 27 overs)

152

 

 

 

 

 

 

#

 

Bowler

Overs

Maidens

Runs

Wkts

 

1

Jones

7

0

46

0

 

2

N. Howarth

4

0

13

0

 

3

Mann

7

1

17

2

 

4

S. Hebbes

4

0

28

1

 

5

B. Mander

4

0

32

2

 

6

I. Howarth

1

0

13

0

 

 

 

 

 

MOTM:  n/a

Champagne Moment:  n/a

Buffet Award:  I. Howarth’s fish-finger sandwiches with chilli sauce

 

 

Opposition:  V029 / 01

Ground:  G001 / 18

Captain:  C007 / 01